New here needing someone to chat with until I get into therapy.
Hi I am Jay,
I suffer with depression and anxiety. Don't want to do self harm but I tend to wish something bad happens to me where I don't exist anymore. When I am depressed it mainly about my relationship of not being a better partner to my partner. She has been through a lot with me and my alcohol abuse I drink until I black out and say hurtful things to anyone. Our relationship is on it last thread thankfully she talked with me today after my recent episode of depression and alcohol abuse. I don't want to lose her but I need to get the help I need.
Things that make me depressed:
1. Financially causes me to less than or I always have to borrow money so I hate myself for this and makes me feel low about myself or not enough.
2. Family issues everyone comes to me like I have the answer for everyone or they tell me about their problems but don't want to help me with mine when I need the help before I choose to drink and make things worse. So all this makes me feel I am a burden to everyone and no one cares so I don't care about myself being.
3. Work tends to take a huge effect on me I work a full time job and run a company so I am stressed and depressed with these two a lot. With my company I feel like no one takes me serious and so that leads me to feeling that way about myself and not care anymore.
4. My relationship with my partner is stressful and depressing because I feel like she is wasting her time with me because all I ever do is f up and I am not a good person for her. Or if I don't do it provide enough I feel less of myself and leads to self hating.
My thoughts when I am depressed:
1. Self hating
2. Not enough
3. Wishing I never existed
4. I am always the bad guy even when I am trying my hardest it's never enough.
5. I feel like a piece 💩 majority of the time
6. Wanting to take my emotions on other so they can hurt me besides my own thoughts saying hurtful things about myself.
7. Never motivated to do things or struggle with staying focus on tasks I set myself for, job, relationship, family, and financially.
8. I tend to isolate myself from others and just lay in a dark room just listening to my thoughts and not talk with anyone until I feel like I can.
Your partner sounds like a gem. I hope you tell her how appreciative you are, How much you value her, often.
have you ever heard of Alcoholics Anonymous? They have meetings in pretty much every city and town. The really great thing about them is that if you just go to one meeting once per week, it only takes an hour or so, And dozens of people Stand up and Tell their story in just a couple of minutes about Who they love And why the person they love, makes them want to stop drinking. It’s really inspiring.
But the best part is, You can choose a sponsor, And you should choose a sponsor who is a man Who is easy to talk to. The sponsor will be somebody who has quit drinking for many years, but remembers how hard it was to quit. And if you need to call them On your phone three times per week or whatever And unload your feelings About work frustrations and How tempted you are, HE Will be that friend to you That you are missing in your family. And all of this is free. It is such an incredibly supportive community.
I so much don’t want you to lose her! I think she would like to see you making positive steps and Putting drinking behind you. Remember, she still thinks you are the number one guy in the world, right now. All she wants to see is progress and your best effort. Start saying positive things to yourself and positive things to her like “ I know I’m going to figure this out. I’m going to find a way to make my business better, I’m going to keep my eyes open for New business opportunities and side hustles. we are going to get there together (girlfriend), And I will never forget your loyalty to me when I build greater successes!”
And pray too, It really helps, I am praying for you for real
