My life story.
I've never done this before so I'm just gonna start from the beginning. when I was concived my mother was on birth control and my father used protection because my mother had my brother just a few months prior. and they where also dealing with raising my 1 year old sister, so it's safe to say that I was just an accident that was never meant to happen. me being born caused a lot of financial stress on my parents. my mom being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and refusing to take any medication besides smoking weed which would help calm her down, and my father who was depressed and suicidal would argue daily, the arguments turned into full on throwing stuff at one another and pushing/ hitting each other. most of those memories have been blocked from my brain because I was so young. but when I got older I realized what was really going on around me and I started to step into the fights to make them stop, neither of my older siblings would ever help or check up on me when I had to. at first because I was so young still they would just split up and calm down just to continue in a couple hours or the next day. but when I got older probably around 12 or 13 my dad started to think I was taking my mother's side in all of their fights, which completely made me want to just give up. I felt closer to my father my whole life up until that moment. I remember having to get up and run from my room because I knew what it sounded like when they where about to go at it and I would have to push my dad away from her before something happened, I would have to yell and scream and threaten my own father to leave his house because he was the only one that had a license and was able to, he would never listen to me when I tried to talk to him. he would only get mad and make me have to be the same way. I thankfully never had to lay a hand on my father but still i think of the things I've had to do every single day of my life. when I turned 18 I finally let my parents have it, they made me mad I can't remember why but I left the house for the day and told them that when I come back I want to talk to them. when I came home I told them how they have completely made my childhood ***, that I can't remember anything from it that was happy. my first memory being in a car and my parents fighting and my dad got mad she kept turning up the radio to stop, so he just punched the radio and broke it. how my mother sat there as I was physically in the middle of a mental breakdown saying I can't do this anymore and I tierd of this ***. I went on for hours about the horrors they put me through. it only made me feel worse though, because for the first time I saw that they actually cared. now I honestly just completely hate myself, I've been to therapy but nothing helps, I've been diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I can't seem to forgive my parents or myself. so yeah that's my story thank you for anyone that actually read through this lol, I'm sorry if some of it didn't make sense I had to take a few breaks because I can't stop shaking while typing this out.
Hello! I’m very proud of you for coming forward and putting your story out there! Talking about it and accepting trauma tends to be one of the hardest steps in the healing process, so i commend you for coming this far :)
Im so incredibly sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I had a very similar childhood growing up so I understand how you must feel heartbroken, devastated, and at such a loss as to what you should do and how to feel towards your parents and siblings. I made it through and not only have o reconciled with my parents, but their relationship is healthier than it has ever been. Through hard work, therapy, and many many tears, there is always hope my friend.
Taking that steps towards therapy and getting a diagnosis is such a hard thing to do, but you did it! Occasionally, someone may feel like therapy doesn’t help. And that’s okay! Perhaps you’re just not ready to let go of your anger and sadness just yet, and that is also okay. You have every right to feel the way you do and no one should tell you otherwise. I am not you and i have never walked a step in your shoes, but you are very strong from what i can tell. Maybe you don’t feel that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true :)
I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey and in your process of overcoming your trauma. It’s hard. But it’s possible :)
@Theperfectmask Hi. Wow, that’s a heck of an upbringing. I had something similar. Here is something that might help with the depression part https://youtu.be/H1T5uMeYv9Q
Lots of good people here on 7 Cups to listen and support you on your healing journey.
— Wishing you many blessings ahead
yeah I'm sorry I didn't know if I needed to put any trigger warnings or anything so I'm sorry if I brought up bad memories, and thank you that really means a lot. I'll have to check the video out later because I'm taking my nephew out trick or treating atm, but thank you that's really kind out of you
Your story made perfect sense. There is nothing in there to apologize for. You have suffered a great deal and your pain is real and legitimate. You didn't do anything to cause what happened to you.
Now comes the equally challenging part (but very doable) - beginning to separate yourself from that rougher history. You can prove to the world that you are no accident. You deserve to be here and are needed here to make the world a better place.
It starts by caring for yourself. What kinds of things are you doing for yourself each day? Think really physical kinds of things. @Theperfectmask
thank you, I can admit that I've come a far way from where I used to be. I used to debate ending my life every night, I've learned that the past can't change and there is nothing I can do to change that. I've also learned to accept that I myself also put myself into those situations, nobody made me interfere and there where other courses of action that I probably should've taken. now I rarely debate ending my life but when I do I've always been able to make it to the next day. I am the best I have ever been physically I'm down to 140 lbs and I am exercising daily and eating a lot more healthy foods, it just seems like I've done everything I can to make myself as normal as possible but I just constantly feel nothing but anger and numbness, I never get excited about anything it's just like I'm acting my entire life away at this point.
You are doing all the right stuff and should be really, really proud of how far you have come.
I heard a great line the other week that was something about being healing rather than healed. The question is never "can I get rid of the bad moments"? They are going to happen. The key is how to make them fewer and shorter.
For me, that started by really accepting that I had good moments where things felt better. My mind kept wanting (and sometimes still does want to) go to the bad. But I can turn it off a bit by recognizing the good, even when it is small. You might even try to write down daily good points as a way of retraining your brain. @Theperfectmask
