My Depression

Tw: self harm, mental harm body image

I’ve been depressed since I was 13 and at 20 w even more trauma it’s gotten worse, I’ve tried therapist but I feel socially awkward and it’s torture to sit there and talk about my mental state face to face it feels unusual and burdening, I feel even more awkward afterwards, I feel stupid because of my behavior I SH, I want to get better but it’s hard, all I want to do is be in bed, I just spiral and cry most of the time because of how pathetic I feel and how everyone must think of me, how disappointed they must be and that plays apart in my mental Harm I think, and that just makes me suffer all the bad thoughts and sometimes I think of self inflicted pain so I don’t actually do it yet feel it internally, I haven’t really been one to cut but digging my nails has been one way I cope with the internal pain and then it’s a whole cycle of feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me bc of me and wishing I was better, I truly do but I just don’t know how to be, pretending I’m not depressed is getting harder and I look worse which plays into part w self loathing and knowing that no one would look twice. I’ve lost weight from not having a healthy habit of eating and just sleeping, I hate the way I look so tired, just feel alone and buried with feelings I don’t know how to express properly, my depression & ptsd making me suffer. I feel like I’m alive but I’m not living just existing and I don’t know how to escape, I haven’t talked much w my family about it cause they don’t get the mental health stuff, really they just see laziness which makes me hate myself even more with those comments, i wish I was more for them that I could be more useful I try my best but I know it’s not enough I just have so much pain inside it’s hard to be okay on the out..