Lifelong issues spanning over 45 years

TW for a lot of reasons. Including suicide and childhood trauma/abuse.

I don’t normally post here, I stay in my comfort zone in the 50 plus area.

I’m at the point that I am struggling with the basics that I have somehow managed to fake my way through most of my life. Suicidal ideation is still a prominent thing, along with a lot of other issues. That plays like background music in my mind, almost constantly. Along with all the aches and pains throughout my body, my brain going on the fritz, social anxiety, the brain when it is working racing thoughts round and round at such speed grasping at them is a near impossible task, then there is the 45 plus years of severe depression. Sexually abused as a very young child by the sperm donor of a father, who also seemed to enjoy slapping the back of my head and my crotch with not loving force.

I have seen psychiatrists etc., throughout my life. I have a yon of writings regarding this and pretty much a detailed history of my life. What I write here is probably a repeat of some of that. I have experienced trauma on the receiving end and witnessing trauma.

I also frequently wonder if the lifestyle I lead isn’t its own form of self trauma. I hide from the world yet up until recently I have been able to force myself into “the shell “ of the fake me so I could go to work and struggle to pretend that I am ok.

Now, I am struggling with pretty much everything with surviving. I am struggling with pretending that I care about anything, I really don’t. It would not take much for me to not go to work at all, and stay curled up in bed 24/7. I already am there full time in my off time.

Focus is fading. I’m done writing for now.