Just venting
I left the Roman Catholic Church years ago, and I was a cradle Catholic..... ( my spell check isn't active so please excuse any and all errors I don't have it in me to correct my errors at the moment )
I also tried to become a Catholic Priest that did not work out. But I eventually managed to get into a Catholic Benedictine Monastery.
One only hears the peachy romantized side of the monastic life, the truth is far from it.
I could go on a rant about the process of becoming a priest, visiting two seminaries, the discernment process in general, and what I endured and went through in the monastery i was at.
But I have come to realize there really is no need, doing so as I did in the past was for my own gratification not to feel better or to " educate " anyone.
The truth is, the Roman Catholic Church like any other religion, is a take it or leave it religion. Not a , hey do you have notes for us so we can improve religion. Which is the reason why schisms happen in the Church or with in any religion. Take it or leave it and good luck to ya when you get to *** or what ever version of *** there is in said religion.
What took me a long time to realize is, I never really belonged in the Church. And how odd and ironic is that. How in the world can the great and almighty Roman Catholic Church explain how a shmuck like myself doesn't belong in said perfect religion that is all inclusive and never makes mistakes and when they do, they fix said mistake in a very perfect manner and when they dont they have a perfect answer as to why.
When you can't be respected for your opinions because someone says we are not allowed to have opinions on scripture or disagree with the Church because xyz.
It would be equivalent to creating a game that you thusly create the rules to, and the first rule to the game is that only you get to make or change the rules and if anyone disagrees with your rules they are penalized or they end up forfeiting the game and thusly lose said game. An the loop hole to why it is a fair and good game is because anyone is welcome to join and play the game but no one is forcing you to. The second rule of the game is, if you decide not to play something very terrible will happen to you.
Now I don't know about Buddhism , or Celtic Druids, or Wiccans, but I know that in the three major religions, that is the gist of it, you don't have to join us or believe what we say, but if you don't something terrible will happen to you for all eternity and if you do decide to join us, you better not mess up or else something sort of bad will happen to you or something really bad will happen to you and dont rock the boat ever, only we the rule makers can rock the boat because " God " said so in " scripture ".
The thing is, as I see it, we are all climbing a mountain, the same mountain, it isn't a race to the top, but we are all climbing to the top. But if you are going to stick your head in the sand, there is only one direction and only one side of the mountain to get to the top. An that is just isn't true. A mountain has plenty of sides, and plenty of paths and directions to the top. What direction and path / side, may be the correct and easiest side for some, it doesn't mean it is for everyone no matter what anyone else says. An there is the schism.
I had to come to learn that for my self and to accept that for my own self and believe it. To be strong enough to leave a religion that says I am free to leave but I will go to *** or Purgatory if I do and even if I had stayed or if i ever come back, I will probably be going to Purgatory anyhow because only special and perfect people can go directly to Heaven.
An insane idea for many reasons.
I've heard and read so many scriptures in my life, and Jesus made it clear that his flock will hear his voice that he is the good shepherd, he never said only very specific people that I choose are allowed to tell the flock how to listen to Me and what to do.
Heresy ! Blasphemy ! You're going to eternal damnation!
All of this started to click in my head and just made more and more and more sense to me that I'm fine. That I do not need validation from complete strangers on if I am living a moral life based on the teachings and standards Christ set forth. Especially when those leaders, who are strangers, are just people, not special perfect uncorruptable angels sent from Heaven, they are shmucks with a bit of an education and that education does not make them a better, or more intelligent person.
Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it, an education doesn't make someone smarter than someone else. An " education " if you boil it down, is really nothing more than training, which requires trial and error to become good at. Same as being a scientist, once you know what the scientific method is, congrats you are on your way. Come up with a theory and a hypothesis bada bing bada boom off you go.
Here is a news flash too, an education does not make a person " holy " or " spiritually superior " or " qualified to lead others in a spiritual manner " .
A lot of people in life have had a great education and have been scumbags both in the religious atmosphere of life and secular. An chalking up those scumbags to " well they gave in to the devil " is crap.
It says a lot when the poor are better moral human beings than a priest or religious leader of any religion.
Then comes the mental health part of this vent.
The part where there is some slight give with at least the Catholic Church, and I suspect all religions, if you are handicap to where you cant decide on your own, " they " give that person a pass.BUT for some reason everyone is " born with original sin ", there is irony for you, all life is " precious " pre marital sex is a no no, abortion is a big no no, but everyone is born with " original sin" even though God had your name written in the palm of his hand before you were even born and some where in scripture, the sins of the father do not transfer to the son.
slow claps.
but back to mental health and me.
I cant stand people anymore, I hate my life, and I hate my anxiety, so why am i going to torture myself to sit in any church and next to strangers who i could give to poops less about, and who I have no interest in knowing and who are not going to want to be apart of my life for so many reasons... an I am supposed to sit there and smile like an idiot and wave and shake hands and be cordial.
all to bask in the super great holy special prayer time that is supposed to give me special spiritual powers to what? To make minimum wage and not afford basic needs , utilities and a place to live?
To survive ? I mean I can buy a tent a bow and some arrows, a lighter, fishing gear, and go live in the woods....
And I could literally sit down with a number of priests, rabbi(s), imam, etc, and they would all stare back with this dumb blank look on their face.
If all my life I did right according to the Church by going to mass and obeying all the special rules, and im no better off financially or physically than the poor who, are greatly loved by God, and those in poverty are treated no different and are not going to Church,, then wtf....?
All to be allowed into Heaven according to the rules someone decided to create based off what they read in scripture? Really?
I just cant do this anymore.
I am literally years away from losing everything, and no amount of praying is going to change it. Winning the lottery would.
Having my own successful business would change things.
An what good is Heaven if ya can't change things in the present for the ones ya love, ya just are there on the other side with a stupid smile on your face rooting and hoping your loved ones make it too? Ive got loved ones on the other side, they know and see the pain im in.
dur hang in there it'll get better dur just wait you;ll see.
tell that to someone with some terminal illness. then what, dur youll be " home soon " hang in there.
go sit and spin for real.
im over it all, im over my life, i dont want to do any of this anymore im sick of venting im sick of trying im sick of everything and yet i keep going through the wash and i hate it.
for me that is purgatory that is damnation, an some idiot would say no no dur dur its way worse you dont know,
well unless you have lived my life and actually been to purgatory and or ***, ya really dont know anything.
What's even worse is, when I get to the other side, I am not interested in hearing what God or Jesus has to say, I don't care about the infinite glorious answers, or drooling punched in the face *** who want to sing and slobber with the choir of angels for all eternity. Nope, I know what I want, and if all God wants is me in Heaven then fine, I'll be in Heaven, no one said I had to have a sit down and listen to anything God has to say. The way I see it, if God / Jesus/ Holy Spirit, really wants me to understand and know the why part, now is the time to do the talking now is the time to ask me to sit down and listen and fix all the broken stuff.
Because I cant fix anything once i get to the other side which means there is no reason to listen to the whys when i get there.
Oh here is one piece of scripture which I always found stupid.
Look it up for the full proper version.
it goes something like
The first shall be last and the last shall be first in Heaven or getting into Heaven.
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Want to know why it is stupid?
BECAUSE IT IS HEAVEN! WHO CARES WHO GETS IN LAST OR FIRST! You're going to be happy either way once you're in line or get in, you really think it matters who's first or last? or who gets the special seat at the table or who gets to rub elbows with the special angels and saints?
Pretend for a moment that there are toilets in heaven, you realize being a toilet scrubber in heaven is going to be just as joyous and wonderful as a back rub in heaven. because there is no envy or jealousy in heaven, so that means if God sentenced someone in Heaven to be Heavens plumber, or Gods personal fart sniffer, it would still be more enjoyable than anything on earth and way better than anything in ***.
If you made it this far, I hope your headache isn't too bad.
Go get some rest and forget you read this.
I just had to dump this out into the ether.
Take the Red Pill... or the Blue Pill...
You have had quite the journey. It sounds like you are getting to a better place though. It has been painful and you are angry. You are very much allowed to feel those things.
I have studied Catholicism (more of the medieval and early modern versions), but have never been a Catholic. I am, however, a Christian of a really liberal denomination. There is no real talk of damnation or lots of discussion of sin in my version. It is more just the loving part and realizing that we are all messed up together and that is just fine. So there are different versions out there.
I am not saying that you should be looking for any of those different Christianity versions right now. I think that you have been too wounded to imagine a different faith. That's just fine. For many being out in nature is faith enough.
Sending peace. You are going to come out the other side of this pain. Just keep walking in that direction. You haven't wasted time or anything. You have just grown in another direction. @TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
Thank you, especially for not being judgmental.
You have no idea how had I posted this on a " catholic forum " how I would have been blasted and ridiculed. A lot of " catholics " like to run their holier than thou mouths online where they are safe, but would never talk the crap they do to someones face.
I do hope the pain ends for me sooner than later, but im not holding my breath.
Well, that's the thing about pain. You can't quite tell when you are going to feel better and trust it. But it does happen slowly but surely.
What kinds of things do you do to care for yourself in general? Those are always a good starting point for rebuilding. @TheBestScreenName
How have you been doing? I have been thinking about you. @TheBestScreenName
@bestVase7265
Thanks for asking, I honestly dunno why I did this, not long after I made my initial post, but I went on ETSY and purchased a rosary and a personalized carrying pouch for it. Finally got the rosary in and waiting on the pouch. I may get it blessed one day and I think I bought, maybe out of nostalgia of the times I enjoyed praying the rosary and hoping maybe I will again one day and it is a one of those better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it, kind of purchases.
I think lately things have been a bit harder on me than usual because of the holidays and " seasonal depression " not having a family of my own, putting all my so called eggs into one basket and going all in with pursuing a life in the faith, put those two things together ontop of my mental health issues really makes life extra miserable this time of year right up till after the New Year. So in a way I am mentally prepping on what I am going to do to get through that mess.
Heard from my older sister who stated she is starting to dabble with selling her home with the hopes of being out before Hurricane season next year and moving to PA, if she and her husband does, and when they get settled in, I'll put our family home up for sale and follow suit.
Hope for a reset of sorts, but I have learned that moving and making a life change does not mean ones mental health issues just magically get better, things are exciting and new for about 6 months I learned, and then everything comes crashing back very hard for me if I am not in a stable place with good people in my life. But my sister has assured me she would help me to adjust and adapt to the new surroundings.
The other issues of how to survive on limited funds is still the big scare on top of eventually having to deal with the inevidable death of my father and just death in general, If down the road, I am still single, with no friends and living in PA, with my father having passed, eventually my siblings will pass on, and Heaven forbid I am still in the position I am today, because I am certain I will no longer have the fortitude to carry on living, best case scenerio is I am the first to go of my siblings and any future woman that may enter into my life.
Ideally, I would like to be spared from the future altogether and just bite it with in the next year or two of natural causes since i dont have it in me to put my family through my passing , on my own terms. I have literally no hopes for the future and I am truly out of hope on life in general and could care less if I passed naturally tonight or any time soon. Because I just don't have it in me to cope and deal with life anymore and all I really have are fanciful ideas based on the sale of my family home and pretending that moving to a new state will open a better future for me.
I can easily put on a happy mask and pretend that I am very hopeful for a great future for the rest of my life but why B.S the truth online.
@THEBESTSCREENNAME that was very deep and interesting. I had 1 catholic church who asked me to pick them or my family because my mother is a woman clergy and my brother is gay. I choose my family. Then I was told I'm posed by the devil for having a seizure disorder. When they said I'm going to *** I said to them lead the way! I am Christian. I hope you feel better soon.
@compassionateMoon4024
It sucks that you had to go through that, my opinion is no one should ever be put in that situation by the Catholic Church or anyone in the C.C, but surprise you are not the first I have heard to have gone through that, I literally remember a priest one time mentioning in a homily how he tried to " help " a young man who confided in him that he is gay, and in turn the young man just walked away from him and never came back.
It is so infuriating how the Church acts and behaves and holds on to idiotic ideas.
I have come to terms that we are all on the same mountain heading to the top, we are just all on different sides of the mountain, taking different paths and no one deserves to be judged for the path they are on by any religion.
Islam and Catholicism have an all or nothing attitude you join, and you better believe everything that is taught or you are screwed. You basically put yourself in a no win situation if you try to use anything regarding common sense.
I might go back to the Catholic Church one day, part of me hopes i do, but if i do, it wont be like it use to be for me. I've realized I am never going to fit in with in the church, i just honestly do not belong anywhere with organized religion.
The Roman Catholic Church for me is just something I grew up with and is now the least smelling farts in an elevator full of farts.
An the church has just betrayed me in too many ways that I no longer have the need to feel any kind of validation from those with in the catholic church or the leaders in the church.
I do appreciate the sacraments, and the mass, the history of the saints, but everything else can take a giant leap off a short bridge.
Sadly the Roman Catholic Church doesn't have a complaint department or an HR department. If it did, they would be gainfully employed for a very long time. More over, even if priests, bishops, cardinals straight up to the Pope, heard anything I said here, they honestly would not care and just flip things around to being some how i am immature, corrupted by satan, misinformed, not properly catecaized or how ever that word is spelt that i am not going to spell check.
The Papacy and the Church never admits wrong doing, until they are hauled into court or have so much egg on their face they can no longer sweep said wrong doings under the rug, and instead of accepting the wrong doing, they manage to twist it around to, the church as a whole has failed and needs to pray for repentance when in reality the blame lays on the hands on church leaders.
Anyhow, i went on a rant, but anyhow, sorry you and your fam went through what you went through.
I guess for me I hope i can get to a point to where I don't care what the Pope is talking about, what the current fads in the Church are, and just get back to going to mass like I used to and get back to a simple prayer life. An stop worrying about if I am following everything the church teaches to the T.
TheBestScreenName i have found an accepting parish in my town. It's not catholic but, Episcopal. I had 1 non denomination church ask me. Do you know how to be a real woman? I laughed and said I'm 41yr. It's too late for that! I knew what they ment by real women! They mean: stay home, have kids, cook and clean. Guess what. That's not for me! I love my job and can't have kids. So their lifestyle isn't for me. I wish you the best in your journey.