I want to give up but my body won't let me
I feel so tired of running from it. I let the very thought i've been suppressing this entire time consume me. I don't care anymore... there's little room for empathy.
I never feel like i had a choice in anything. It's always my parents or other people. All this time i've just been trying to appease my parents as a way to show my grattitude for putting the family's economy at the risk of bankruptcy for my academic pursuit. I've sacrificed everything... and now i'm left with nothing. No matter how achieved and sleep deprived i am, It never feels like it was enough.
It's been so long since i feel any joy or contentment. Now that replace it was ego, narcissm and ambition. The joy i used to get from helping other people is now supplemented by the joy of seeing my competitor struggle. A stark contrast of my original goal : to help others whilist i'm still alive.
My friends; whom i hold very dear to me; now just feels like a tool to me. Someone to come to when i'm in bad place. I feel horrible about using them like that. I've passed every opportunities i got at reunion in order to pursue my academics. It left me feeling so empty and isolated.
Love, what was once a driving force in me; my love for music, literature, psychology, the german language, art, and cooking; has now become a painful reminder of my past rejection. It pains me to see the people around me found their loved ones while i'm still reeling from what feels like my reality shattering before me. Eventually i've decided to give up on it. And so began my downspiral into being workaholic.
Who cares if i'm gone? Like it'll make any difference. I've made my attempts in the past, many were unsuccesful and some even got intervened. I hate waking up everyday feeling like a reincarnated corpse. I can feel the air in my lung leaking as i inhale. The soulles drive to do more task, more work. Cause that's the only thing i know how to do. I want to give up, but my body won't let me. So i head out and overworked myself until my body couldn't bare existance anymore. Once the body and mind has given up, it's only a matter of time before history repeats. I just hope no one got hurt this time.
@RhysThe3rd 😥gives you a giant tiny hug ❤ life is hard I know. But don't loose love don't loose hope. Happiness is not a , it's a state of mind. You can choose happy, you can make happiness. Just know your not alone ❤ there are many people who care, please don't give up
Thank you for the suppor and kind word friend. After the post... I don't how to describe it, but i guess i have moment of realization. It's the thought of 'I'll never find love again' that acts as a catalyst for my breakdowns. Like i mentioned before i tried running and even suppressing it but it never seem to work. Until i realize that by letting this thought control me, make it one of my core believes, i'm just perpetuating my suffering. So i choose compassion as my last attempt at fighting this self-destruct believe system.
One other thing that helps me with this realization is the song i picked for my upcoming singing test at friday. People may think of me as 'gay' for singing the song since it has a lot of non-masculine theme to it. But to me, it represents everything i wanted to embody, fun, happiness, and compassion. I choose this song because i wanted to have fun, to bring passion to the things i do. And that i think is self-love.
I would never choose this song if i was in a bad state, but because i've gone through a recovery journey, i had enough believe in myself to do it. It's just that i found myself a fork in the road that i've been ignoring this entire time and have just recently faced.
I am taking steps to improve myself and in the process often get lost in my own emotions. Which is why i'm putting effort into developing new coping strategies like taking breaks, doing yoga, and even listening to other people's problem. Because i deserve love and compassion. I just need to rewire the negative core believes that i've planted so long ago.
@RhysThe3rd I was almost in tears reading this, I'm so proud of you right now ❤ and yes you do deserve all great things. Good luck in your singing test. I'm sure the song you picked is perfect ❤ sometimes just venting can really help us, so feel free to make theese posts ❤❤ compassion for yourself and then for others is definetly the right road to be on ❤❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤squeezes you tightly ❤