I'm so so sad

I want substances and I don't even do drugs but I know that if I can just have some oxy or smoke some weed I'll be better my thoughts can go away I can finally relax just give me something please please I'm so sad and I can't stop thinking about everything all at once and I feel like such a fraud because people have it worse than me but here I am whining about how miserable I am when I have everything I need to thrive yet I'm still so sad and I don't feel real and I wish that I existed for any other reason than to just take up space and to soak up people's mean comments. I want a job I want to be better I want to be someone who is capable but all I am is nothing I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who isn't real someone who isn't me and I tug and pull at my face and I point and I can tell that my eyes aren't mine and my expressions are all fake I'm fake I'm not real the trees aren't real the food my family my friends they're all hallucinations that I can't discern from reality they're all fake yet I care about them. I want drugs so I don't have to think so I can just take things at face value without feeling like this I need alcohol I need to feel normal I want drugs but I don't have them and I never will I'm pathetic. I want to run away at 3 am and sleep on the concrete maybe then I'll feel something I want to starve I want to hit rock bottom again so I have the right to feel this way.