I'm so sick of life.

I feel so little enjoyment from most everything. I keep faking my excitement and trying not to feel so tired. People care but they don't care.

I hate AI things as they are so dumb and I will never understand why anyone thinks they are good, especially the chat ones as they are so transparently bad and taking up space that they really shouldn't. If I need to talk to someone AI is not going to help me in any way. In fact much if the time AI depresses me more because of the direction of things catering to people who think so little of human interaction that they actually think AI can somehow replace us?

That was a whole tangent in a random direction but I genuinely cannot feel better. I have little excitement/interest to proceed with my Lans I've had for years. My partner causes me serious further disappointment which makes me feel horrible. He is allowed to be upset and so on in life I know he is human. But I can so obviously see him actively making bad choices over grief which to me sounds like forced bad choices by the way he goes about it instead of the accidental form of bad choices because of grief. It makes me feel so so so disappointed because any little progress he does make gets set back when he decides "I should order food" "I won't eat today" "I've been in bed and awake so I won't sleep tonight" "I'm going to stay up all night" "I hate my family so what's the point" "I dint talk to them about anything so why would I talk to them"(context he does hate his family and not talk but does admit he blushes friends to keep the connection with their family as he sees the value in it and yet when they are likely the main people you could talk to about grief over a tragic situation as they'd likely strongly relate and possibly more upset ATM he acts so hard headed and won't make an effort in that direction and keeps making more and more bad decisions than usual). It kinda makes me have serious negative feelings over the situation and I just don't wish to be there for him as much. I then feel bad because I feel this way. But, it's the hinest truth. I feel very very let down. I came into my relationship with such a relatable man, a cool and fun man who I've gotten to know even more than when he and I were just friends. He was apparently depressed due to life circumstances since highschool/college for British person. I understood this to a point and could very very much sympathize and empathize. Now since having dated him for more than 3 years long distances and made an effort to visit him twice despite my own fears and so on(I did use my lack of huge care of my life to power through the fear a bit although haven't been without feeling it).

I just overall feel I've had a huge journey I've gone in life meanwhile his started with a child in a bad family, to a grown man kicked out and suffering to having some things improve his life and making some efforts based upon my coming into his life and also my pushing to motivate him(I don't really get that in return). Right into now a very stagnant unprogressing man for years. I feel bad for thinking all this, so horrible. But why have I been in the workforce since I basically got put of high-school meanwhile he has NEVER been in it. I am sure he feels a sort of depression over this as well and I honestly couldn't tell you that he does because he doesn't seem broken up over it. More periodically he doesn't eat and thinks I get sooo angry at him so uses that to feel bad I guess? I just express disappointment and frustration over having to sort of take car off him in all these little ways which I was on board with to a POINT. But the amount I've done for "US" meanwhile what he has contributed to us is incomparable. I hate the idea of him thinking at all that what he has done compares in any way to what I've put in. Especially given that I have had to work for all of my money while he sits at home all the time on benefits feeling depressed and anxious about much of the same things that bother me. I am not without anxiety. I never have been. I've just my WHOLE life had to overcome with for my sister and now for him to the point he actually dares to think my anxiety doesn't exist or doesn't compare to his and so on. Just because I managed to go to his country despite my fears and actually very much numb to many things because of my fear I powered through things and he actually thinks it's OK to act like it wasnt a big deal because he would've been so anxious and so on.

I know it's petty but he says he is afraid of heights yet he can so easily do things I never could which is because I AM afraid of heights. Throughout conversation for example, walking near a glass barrier on the second floor of a mall. He can do that so easily. I cannot. He admits ever since "Finak Destination" as a child he has been afraid. Which is crazy because he certainly doesn't seem afraid and jokes and so on. Ugh. I don't think I got out my frustrations at all as I've gone all over the place with this rant but genuinely I cannot stand how belittled everything I've done for my relationship is and how little support I get and how much it's emphasized in his direction for the support. He was such a good so many possibilities man who now just feels like he has settled into a helpless fully grown man who is inconsiderate of much of my preferences and fears and so on. All while hidden inside this very quiet yet at times more outgoing man than myself.

Yes we all have struggles and fears but that's the point, not only him needs to have these things considered.