I'm not suicidal but..
FluffyBakedPotato
November 4th
I am no longer contemplating suicide, but I find myself indulging in fantasies about death.
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Traumatic experiences during my childhood have left me feeling distinctly different, longing for a sense of normalcy. I wish I were an optimist, cheerful, and charismatic like my sister (the favorite one). Regrettably, my constant overthinking and hyper vigilance have hindered this. Now, as I journey towards healing, the once blurred memories are becoming increasingly vivid, and I am remembering things that my brain had previously shielded me from.
In the midst of my healing journey, I find myself caught between overwhelming emotions and profound numbness. I no longer know how to feel or if I can even improve. I long for the time when my life was on autopilot, and I felt detached from my emotions. I sometimes imagine death as an escape from my pain and suffering, yet, I am not suicidal. I am simply exhausted with this ongoing struggle. I just yearn to return to that dull, numb state once more. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.
jacek73
November 6th
@FluffyBakedPotato
Hello. I am sad to hear about the difficult emotions you are going through. I think it is all right to feel either overwhelming emotions, or "profound numbness". I believe they both might be a certain stage and a healthy way of processing trauma.
I understand it felt safer for you to live "on the autopilot". But how long do you think it could go on?
As for suicidal thoughts, I've heard people who have them often do not want their lives to end, but just the pain and struggle to stop. However, as one of the authors wrote: to process the difficult emotions and be free, you must stay in your material body.
Would you be ready to get rid of the burden of the past experiences you are carrying on your shoulders?