I'm not suicidal but..

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Traumatic experiences during my childhood have left me feeling distinctly different, longing for a sense of normalcy. I wish I were an optimist, cheerful, and charismatic like my sister (the favorite one). Regrettably, my constant overthinking and hyper vigilance have hindered this. Now, as I journey towards healing, the once blurred memories are becoming increasingly vivid, and I am remembering things that my brain had previously shielded me from.

In the midst of my healing journey, I find myself caught between overwhelming emotions and profound numbness. I no longer know how to feel or if I can even improve. I long for the time when my life was on autopilot, and I felt detached from my emotions. I sometimes imagine death as an escape from my pain and suffering, yet, I am not suicidal. I am simply exhausted with this ongoing struggle. I just yearn to return to that dull, numb state once more. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.