I don't know what to title this TW: depression, relationship issues, sexual circumstances, anxiety, PTSD.

Hey all. I hesitated coming here but I don't know where else to go. I don't feel comfortable yelling any of my close family members (mainly I talk to my mom about personal issues), and I don't think I can talk to her openly about this. I don't even feel comfortable telling my therapist.

I don't think I'm looking for advice, but I just need to keep myself accountable. I need to tell someone and know that they didn't just hear me, they listened to me. 

I have been struggling with anxiety and depression most of my life. But the last few years have been a struggle. In the last year I've made some awesome progress and even began having routine talk therapy sessions, and meeting with a psychiatrist. She said her diagnosis would be, GAD, depression, panic disorder, and complex PTSD.

If you've ever read any of my posts here, you may know, I've had a long run of being afraid to try medication, but last week I finally started due to experiencing a drastic increase in depression symptoms making me feel totally unlike myself. Like I am so far away from myself, like I'm trapped in myself, screaming to get out. It began to feel like constant crushing, like a weight rolling over my heart and it would lift briefly, then roll over me again like a wave. After several days of crying and barely making it through day to day tasks, I began the prescribed medication from my Dr. I have to say I can see small improvements already, but I know it can take a few weeks to fully work, and I'm still struggling right now.

What I can't seem to feel comfortable to talk about with my mother (and best friend), or my therapist, is this:

TW: some sexual situations

A couple of months back, during a time of having really bad trouble sleeping, I downloaded a friend/dating app. I felt so lonely, and depressed. I just wanted someone to talk to. It didn't have to be a man, though deep down I knew I was longing for affection. I wanted to meet someone I could talk to regularly, like a real friend.

I matched with a man in another area, in all honesty, he's in another country. We seemed, despite the major differences, to have quite a bit in common. We talked about culture, history, human rights issues, and more. After a while we both expressed a liking and attraction to each other. I wont go into details, because I know there are rules here And it's not totally necessary to share them all anyway; but I will tell you that certain things were exchanged of an intimate nature. This was highly intense for me. It was never what I planned to do and I feel so incredibly vulnerable...

This is not something I just do, in facts it has been years since I talked with a man like this or had an intimate connection of any kind with a man. Deep down I knew that this probably wasn't a good thing to begin because the distance between us is vast, and the likelihood of it going beyond this is low. But being that I was already so depressed, I wanted to ignore my gut. I wanted to ignore facts, and I wanted to dream and hope. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but...

I brought up the topic of  "what are we" and what are the rules for what we have going here? I'd told him previously that if one of us met someone close by, I understood that what we had would have to end, because I wouldn't want to be in the way of him being happy, and if it were me meeting someone, I couldn't compartmentalize my mental and emotional connection to him, and an in person relationship with another man. 

I was afraid to ask his thoughts, cause deep down I wanted to keep on hoping that somehow this could last. The mental attraction I have to him is great. 

He told me that he understood if I met someone else, and that he was okay not Knowing if I did. That I don't owe him any explanations. 

I understood this, as I said, the distance is great. But somehow it also impressed the situation in my mind. How badly would I get hurt if it continues and he met someone before me, and I've been so open, while going through one of the toughest seasons of my life, how could that be healthy for me?

I am certain that what I am experiencing with depression right now is hightening all of this more than it should be/really is. But even without it, yeah it would be painful. 

I feel like my heart is crushed by depression alone, and now I think I have to end this situation with him and it's making it even more painful. 

I don't have close friends that I regularly see, typically and I parent alone, and have been very isolated for a couple of years. It hurts to think I could connect with someone and the distance would be what prevents it. And then the hurt of sharing such intimacy, after a long time, and maybe it was a mistake. I know I can't blame anyone but myself for this. But It doesn't change the frustration, hope, disappointment, or hurt that I feel. 

I know I'm going to be okay, but right now, it feels like I've reached a climax that I have to stop, and it really really hurts. 

Thanks for reading. ❤️