I don't feel like it will get better, but I'm too scared to die.

@ButterflyCloud

I wish I could change the past too. 

I wish I could go back and change so many things. 

But I can change the future for everyone I meet. I really can. I can bring love tomorrow. Whoever may be in front of me tomorrow, whoever is in front of YOU tomorrow. That’s who. 

And if they spit in my face 1000 times, If they take the little heart that I drew for them and trample on it, Then someday some of them will regret doing that to me, they will regret trampling on the little piece of my heart that I tried again with 1000 times; and I hope rather than regretting and worrying about me, I hope they draw 1000 little hearts and give them to everyone they meet.

1000 people need you Butterfly. They will show up right in front of you one at a time. Have your little hearts ready. 

The past has made you. You can feel bad only so much before you eventually realize your regret for letting your present be harmed by your regret for the past. You are a whole human who is living your life, not just your past. Regret is fine but not worth holding tight. Easy to say I know but trust me, I too have big regrets and embarrassing memories which I've had to try to learn from and let go. Although they will always still be memories. Current me, that's the important one for future me. Just like you.

But as far as the negative hitting. I'm sorry that's happening. I relate to that as well although I make an effort to try to feel positive even though it's getting harder and harder. I was preparing to move country to be with my fiance and I've had nothing but setbacks and no support. Yet it was the only thing I directly decided to work towards specifically right now in life so you can possibly imagine my disappointment after having been trying for 2 years to do so and with no support from my fiance or anyone and multiple family issues and living situation issues and financial stress and issues and so on. I hate it all. But all I can do right now is try to live. So I've indulged a little more than I should've and even despite my constant stating that I don't want to get complacent in my current situation. I've started trying to make what is currently going on bearable and handled so I can get by in the mean time. Even though maybe I should be looking into suing my friend or I have to idea. I don't have anyone to help me but myself.

Either way, I understand your pain even though you didn't include much detail.

I do experience the same most of the time. You just need to control yourself in that moment, that's the simple rule. Think about your loved ones, if they lose you, how that will impact them, share it up you feelings with loved ones, they will definitely try to help you overcome this