I am lost and need an inch of hope to continue living

My life has flipped upside down, mainly this past year, and I don't think I can take it anymore.

I grew up with a rough life, experienced all forms of abuse, gang violence, addictions among my family - pretty much everything you can think of. It's amazing I am even still alive today and yet I wish I wasn't.

This past year, I was forced out of a job and ended up in insurance making half of what I was making. $20k credit card debt and ongoing depression later... I was jobless for me mental sake. I finally found a great job and think I will be out of this financial hole within 2 years but now any chance of buying a home is our the window.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years, hanging on by a thread. We've gone through every issue you can think of and have fought to stay together. We're at the point where it's like what's next? I'm constantly asked by family, friends and our church community why he still hasn't proposed - it's shameful and embarrassing to give yourself to someone for 7 years and then still be unsure if you're for to be their wife.

We recently started back with our Christian faith and I feel like my partner, who is new to faith, is progressing with men at church and I'm just trailing behind by myself left in the dust. The pressure to get married and be better only heightened with getting more involved and I feel embarrassed of where I'm at.

To make everything worse, I've had weird symptoms over the years with my health and everything always things I'm being dramatic. Got my routine annual and doctor found some concerning results in my blood. Pending follow up testing but she is concerned I have Lupus or similar.

Now all I can think is, maybe this possible sickness is a way out? Part of me wishes I get sick badly and die quickly but part of me says this is your chance to get right and create a new life. I feel like I bring no value to earth and I'm questioning if God even has a purpose for me anymore.