I almost suffocated to death, and i want to give up

I don't want to go into detail about how or why it happened, but it wasn't my fault or my actions, I don't have trouble breathing, but after experiencing it, it can't be described in words, there are no words to describe what it's like to feeling like you will die, it's total loneliness, a feeling of fear, a heavy sadness, unable to do anything, you try with all your might to breathe and each time you fall through, making sounds that frighten even yourself, you can't do anything about it, except for rushing back and forth, you can't call for help, your brain shuts down, all you think about is "breathe, I need to breathe" and there are so many people around, and no one not only does not want, not even can, does not see you, you are alone in your suffering, no one want to save you even if you trying your best to help other people, no one can save you except you.

I had a lot of troubles in my life before, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I went through bullying at school and through violence including, when I almost suffocated to death - It finished me off completely, the worst thing was not even to die, I don't care about death, the most terrible thing I felt was "I will die without knowing love from anyone in this world, even trying with all my might to get it from at least someone? Thats how i lived my life?"

I'm not an unattractive guy or anything like that I have a lot of reasons to want something like that, on the contrary, I usually get along well with people, I have a lot of acquaintances, a few friends, everything works out well with girls, but I want to give up, I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to try to find happiness in every day, I didn't choose to be born, I was thrown into this world with no way to go back to nothingness, I am frightened and at the same time attracted by the thought that if I commit suicide, I will no longer have to experience pain, I will not have to fight it, I will not have to suffer from it, I won’t have to try to overcome myself anymore, I won’t have to be alone all the time with my depressive thoughts that only make my life worse.

Parents will not understand, there is no way to me to contact a psychologist, I can tell my friends, but it doesn't make me feel better, I'm tired, I'd like to end it, if I had a choice, I'd choose not to be born at all, I'm writing this hoping that it will help me not to do something bad to myself, I've already been ready to finish it all a few times, there are still scars and fresh scratches, almost cuts on my right hand left over from the last time

Im really sorry if my text ruined your mood, I'm just trying to do something about it 'cause I'm still weakly hoping I can go through it, but i almost ready to commit suicide, and this scares me. I still have many reasons why I want to do this, which I would not like to talk about.

I apologize for the grammatical mistakes in the text, I don't feel very good physically and mentally now so this is the reason why my text can may not seem quite correctly composed. I understand I may not have enough reasons for depression, but right now im 16, and I'm not very experienced in life, so even problems like these can shake my state of health, thank you to everyone who read it, I will be glad to see absolutely any words of support under this post, it would mean much more than you can imagine for me.