I Just Want to Understand
I really want to understand my depression, why do I get so low and feel so down some days? I have every reason to be a happy person but most days I'm just not. I have an amazing, loving, supportive wife, I have a rewarding job with an amazing understanding boss, and I have two kitties who need and love me. So why do I keep going through these cycles of just feeling like I can't keep this up?
I think part of it may be that I can't shake this notion in my head that work is taking me away from the life I enjoy. I've developed this belief that we as humans have been duped into believing that we have to work and have a career to be happy, when in reality we just need to live and die, that's it. Those are the only two things anyone on earth is actually required to do.
I have some of the most terrible thoughts too when my mind goes down this path. I won't go into details, but these are thoughts that would make even the most gory horror movies fans cringe. And I just can't seem to get them out of my head.
I guess I just needed to vent this out. I feel like a broken record sometimes because I feel like I'm always coming back to the same things when I post here. But that just shows the real struggle that I'm dealing with I guess. I don't know how much longer these thought patterns are going to be sustainable and that scares me.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
One thing that might help is that scientists have definitely shown a change in brain chemicals when depression hits. That means that we don't have entire control over it. Your circumstances or how hard you are trying to feel better are the only parts of the equation. Blaming yourself because you think you have a good life on the outside makes things worse.
Have you considered talking to someone? @VintageDougers
Thank you @bestVase7265 for your words of encouragement, it really does help. I have talked to therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and have never really felt like they truly helped me. Maybe I just haven't found the right one for me yet.
I'm trying to make today a better day than yesterday. I woke up with the same feelings, but have been trying hard to replace those feelings and thoughts with positivity.
It can be so hard to find the right ones. It is lots of trial and error. I think that I eventually started healing when I began to focus less on controlling my thoughts and more on the physical things that I was doing each day. I have a really regular routine of walking, coloring, cooking, Netflix, and doing jigsaw puzzles that really help me. But again, developing that schedule is lots of trial and error and what works is different for each person.
You can do this though. You have to realize that even semi good days are victories. Heck, a few good hours is a victory. @VintageDougers
@VintageDougers our minds are mysterious things. We will never truly understand depression and other mental issues. One day your fine, happy, functioning well. Then the next day you just don't even want to wake up. But your strong, you've gotten through it every other time, and will again. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ let's you know everything will be ok ❤
Thank you so much your encouragement means a lot to me. I have been trying so hard this morning to stay positive but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm sitting here as I type this crying and not wanting to face the day ahead. But I've got a meeting with work in 35 minutes and still need to shower. My brain just keeps repeating unhelpful thoughts like "get ready to do more **** that you don't want to do" and other far worse thoughts that I don't want to repeat.
@VintageDougers cries with you😭😭my heart goes out to you rn, I know how hard it is to battle this😞 I'm sorry sweetie, hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you
Thank you again! I'm determined to turn this around and not lose the entire day to my depression. I'm actually feeling a little better now and trying to build off of that.
@VintageDougers well done ❤ you can do this ❤ remember to be kind to yourself
What is wrong with me? Why can’t i just be normal? I hate nighttime because that’s when i am alone with my thoughts. I hate it. I scare myself sometimes. I try so hard to block out the bad thoughts and feelings but it doesn’t work. Mental breakdowns and panic attacks are now a daily thing. I’m scared.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this Katie, it is so hard and feels so lonely when you are so deeply depressed. Please just know that you are not alone. I fear being alone with my thoughts as well when I'm in a bad place. I dread taking showers because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I also have really terrible thoughts when I'm in the thick of it, thoughts I'd never want anyone to know I have.
I am so glad you have found this 7cupa community though! You are so brave to be here and share your feelings. This community is so supportive, it has really helped me (I've only been here a few weeks myself). I would highly encourage you to reach out to a listener here on the site, and even join the Sharing Circle or another support group chat. For me it helps so much to share in those settings. It makes me remember that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings, that there are people out there who think and feel the same way, and that they genuinely care and want to help.
Please keep your head up! Sending you warm thoughts to help you through the darkness.
@VintageDougers What a drag. I'm sorry you're being weighed down by this.
You've had some good suggestions on here already. I will add one , just in case it is of some use !
Every single interaction with another human being is a potential opportunity to make a difference to yourself and to them. Every moment that you can perceive something is a valuable moment. You might hear a terrific piece of music, meet an incredible person, read something awe inspiring. But none of that will be apparent if you are overwhelmed with a depression which locks your focus into something that's not even there, at that moment in time. So... try to "say" to your depression "Ok, you know, you make some good points. But right now, what I have in front of me is something else, so I'm going to focus on that, and I'll get back to you". And try to do that... even if it's only 30 seconds, or one minute. Try to describe what is in front of your eyes... what is going on with someone that you're talking to.... what is so lovely about a particular piece of art that you like. Even with a job you hate, those opportunities arise. To talk to people, find out about them, learn from them or their alternative viewpoints.
Hope that helps !
Thank you so much Ed, I truly appreciate your suggestions and words of encouragement! I'm feeling better today, but who knows what tomorrow (or ever later today lol) will bring. As seems to be the case with many people, I have my ups and downs. When I'm down it is so terribly hard to remember to live in the moment and appreciate the world around me. I know deep down that is what I need to do, but my depressed mind is very powerful.
Again thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond, it really does mean a lot to me. I hope you have a wonderful day!
I feel with you and I so understand. I am actually bipolar and my brain changes its course from euphoric to depressed without apparant reason if I dont take my meds (and to a lesser extend also with them).
No reason to feel guilty!
All the best to you and take care!