Hot take: 'Put your needs first' and 'listen to your heart' shouldn't be the gold standard
I was chatting with the bot and after getting nowhere in a conversation about rebuilding relationships, persuing my interests, and rebuilding my sense of self I just got fed up with focusing on myself. It was going nowhere- and I realized I almost always get nowhere when I concentrate on my own needs and 'listen to my heart'. I just end up failing and feeling more isolated than before. I told the chat I needed to think more about the needs of others and help them and I got spammed with 'you need to put your own needs first'. Part of the problem is everything is too individualistic these days- like I want to be a part of something, I want to create things WITH people, I want to play WITH people. I want to a part of 'you do a favor for me, I do I favor for you'. And sometimes NO my feelings are NOT *** valid.
@determinedSea4370
Absolutely, I understand that feeling. It's often easier to take care of others than to focus on ourselves. And I get that bots aren't always the most empathetic, given that they're, well, bots. I truly hope you find the relationships and friendships you're looking for. How do you feel about stepping out and joining local events to meet new people?
@Remina Hi thanks for replying. There's an art group I could be going to, but after attending for more than half a year and making no connections, I get discouraged. I have a bad habit of judging people too quickly and automatically assuming they would never understand me- I know I'm the problem with my black and white thinking. My standards are way too high. But, I'll go. I desperately need new friends. And join a book group. And join an art class. And contact my relatives more often. It kills me that I can't seem to connect with others, but then I go out and try I keep running into the same walls over and over again for years like a crazy person. How are your relationships?
@determinedSea4370
I get how discouraging it must be to have attended the art group for so long without making any connections. It's great that you've recognized your black-and-white thinking—acknowledging it is the first step toward changing those patterns. When you say your standards are too high, what exactly are you looking for? It's completely okay to have preferences.
Wanting new friends is totally normal—it's human nature to seek social connections. I understand how painful it can be to feel like you can't connect with others. Has this always been a challenge for you, or were there times in your life when you had friends?
For me, I have a small circle, maybe just two close friends, and the rest are people I see at work or in passing.
@Remina I have 1 close therapuetic out of state friend I call sometimes, 1 close friend who makes me not want to be alive in the aftermath of each hangout- we hang out a lot, and 1 casual friend who I can only have very casual conversation with because we have nothing in common. So, we both have 2 friends. I always feel like I'm lacking, but maybe it's normal to just have 2 real(ish) friends? I've had trouble connecting with others all my life. People need to adopt me or relationships just do not happen. If I try to make a connection myself, it always fails to last more than a few months. I'm looking for someone who is adventurous, considerate, can maintain a conversation, and is an out-of-the-box thinker who would be open to collaborate on projects. So far, everyone I have met has failed to live up to all these standards. I think I need to settle for people who only check some of the boxes.
@determinedSea4370
I'm really sorry to hear about that second friend. It must be exhausting hanging out with them. Having a therapeutic friend, even if they're far away, is a big comfort. I get it—it's hard to have more than a casual friendship with someone you don't have much in common with. What do you usually do together? As we grow older, it's normal to have fewer close friends and more acquaintances. If you're expecting someone to tick every single box, you might end up feeling let down. It's important to have expectations, but finding someone who meets a few of them can be worth it. I understand how tough it is when friendships don't last beyond a few months and you lose interest. What do you think you can do to allow yourself the opportunity to find people who check some of the boxes?
@determinedSea4370
Hello 😊 I think you are a very thoughtful person, I guess I know which bot you were talking to and I cannot agree more: nobody is a lonely island, everybody needs people.
I cannot resist the impression that many healing or growing paths start with something I call the "Cinderella phase" or "gray goose phase". It is about telling a person he or she is no longer a gray goose, but they should see themselves as a swan, or a princess.
Why it is so? Because most people coming to a therapy are deeply wounded or experienced serious traumas: their self-esteems are broken into pieces, their healthy boundaries almost non-existent, they don't believe their feelings, their senses, their intuition or just common sense. And that needs to be improved before going any further.
Sadly, but many people, especially in the Western world, are stuck on this stage. And that is quite beneficial for some "forces of evil", because people driven by "I-religion" are better consumers, who buy more, and are easier to be manipulated, while the society is more divided.
I believe the next step in growing is: Knowing my feelings, and that they are important, but they might be of no TOP importance for the world. Listening to my heart and believing my intuition, but being aware of the fact they might be sometimes wrong. I believe it is about still being myself ("the one I have just discovered"), but also becoming a part of a collective mind, putting an equality mark between my needs or feelings, and needs or feelings of other people. Being not closed in categories like "What is best for me?", but thinking "What is best for the world?" - because some self-centred choices of today (especially in a family or a relationship) might prove to be wrong choices for the world tomorrow.
When a gray goose learns she is a swan, some time later she is getting aware of the fact she's not created to shine alone, but to be some valuable part of the flock.
@jacek73 Hi thanks for the reply! You called me thoughtful- you are super thoughtful too. I hadn't thought of the building a person back up/validation of the self aspect of therapy in regards to trauma and that's a good point. That the 'put your own needs first' is a good starting point, like 'put your own mask on before helping others'. But, I was just thinking that even 'put your own needs first' still involves other people. I don't believe we can reinforce and validate any sense of self without a reference point of other people. We need other people to build positive identities- especially if we're already so stuck in believing ourselves to be broken. If we are deep down enough in our own hole, no amount of asking 'what are your likes and needs?' and 'you are valid' is going to make us feel any less horrible about ourselves and our lives. But, obviously it all really depends on the history/trauma of the individual and what their specific troubles are. I'm coming at this as someone whose sense of self is crippled by traumas and chronic loneliness. I am a risk to myself if I am left alone. If I were someone who had no trouble connecting with people and no trouble knowing what I like/dislike but my problems stemmed from my own failures, I might need validation. I don't know. I just find this all very interesting from a cultural and psychological perspective.
@determinedSea4370 I am sorry to hear that. Maybe chat with a Trained Active Listener here at 7cups, instead. I hope this helps some.
@calmMango9611 Thank you for responding. I think I will give that a try.
@determinedSea4370 You are very welcomed.
I hope you do, give it a try.
