Everything is just a mirage

Hi i am apurva. I am 17. Have you ever wondered what is unique to you? In business studies, they say "USP," i.e., Unique Selling Point. I just felt yesterday that I am a textbook example of a struggling student who is facing challenges. My mom said that I am worthless and that I waste my time. She mentioned that I am a financial burden on her. I think she might be right. She earns 38,000 rupees per month in hand and spends 15,000 rupees on me and my sister. (I live in India, so please stick with rupees without converting to USD.)

My dad is also upset with me. He is unhappy with my grades and mentioned that he will consider asking me to leave the house once I am not covered by the Juvenile Protection Act of the Indian Constitution. It's a daunting statement, but according to my dad, my grandfather did the same to him and his siblings. While my dad became a professor/dean (I have no idea), my uncle (dad's brother) became a lawyer. Unfortunately, my dad's sister passed away due to pressure on her neck.

Back to myself. I have no good grades, and I don't have any close friends. I had a crush, but she did not reciprocate my feelings, and now I have no interest in anyone. Nobody seems attractive to me at all. I don't know why everything has become like a blank canvas. Nothing feels cool nowadays. I also feel that nobody really enjoys my presence, and that's quite a bad feeling for me.

I have a big belly and other body parts. I don't think about it much because those who want to make fun of me will do so regardless. Sometimes, I even start making fun of myself. Once, a classmate started making fun of my butt, and I told him that I really enjoy him making fun of me. He did that for a while, and when I insisted, he asked me if I was okay.

I don't know if that is the right way, but I really enjoy it. Sometimes, when I feel on the edge, like I can't bear anything anymore, I usually tap my head on the wall. I don't know why it satisfies me. The more frequently I tap, the more pain arises, and my feelings fade away. One more thing: when I feel I did something wrong, I try to poke my pen into my left hand. I don't know why, but the sensation of pain makes everything fade away.

I don't know if I'm going to make it to university or not. I know that I won't be able to get into any good colleges locally because I feel stupid. But thinking long-term, if I want to live like everybody else, I have to do a job or start a business. For that, I need a degree. I have seen that Germany has free education for everyone. I want to emigrate there. I have learned German. I have to tell you, Deutschland ist ein schönes Land. People help each other, while here everyone is in a sort of race. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were dead. Really, who cares for young people anyway? The government doesn't like you, neither does the education system, nor your parents.

I recently visited the home of my friend's brother. They seemed so happy, but my friend made pressure on his neck in May, and he died. But who cares? His father has five children.

Sometimes it feels like everything is just a mirage made to prevent you from starting a communist revolution (LOL).

I think if I end up on the road, I would rather be hit by a car than live a disgusting life.

Also: Idk how is my English nowadays. please review my writing styles and suggest improvements