Everything is better this year, but i am so afraid of losing what i have gained
(TW brief mentions to alcohol abuse)
Usually Christmas is a very dark time for me. I first remember it taking a turn when I was 7 or 8 and it was the first time I was the only kid who didn't get any presents at my family's Christmas party. Then as I got older it just turned into a time where I would be riddled with anxiety, drink too much to combat that anxiety and end up embarrassing myself. Also, my mom was usually always stressed and would lash out at me and make me cry... it was not a happy time. Last year at this time I was 100 pounds heavier, addicted to alcohol, living with my mother, didn't have a job, agoraphobic, and healing from a broken heart.
Now I have cut off everyone in my family except my father(who I have forgiven), am recovering from my addiction (I relapsed yesterday but after chatting on here I have calmed down about it and and am just focused on forgiving myself and moving forward... also the hangover has mostly subsided, and i brushed my teeth so i don't feel so grimy anymore), I moved across the country by myself to be with partner who I was in a long distance relationship with for like three years, and things are getting really serious with him, I've gotten over the hump with meeting his family and they are all sober, healthy, fit individuals so it helps me to have that positive influence in my life.
I'm not surrounded by enablers or abusers anymore. I have a flexible job that I actually enjoy and is from home. It took a lot of effort to make the progress that I have made and start to rebuild my life and relearn how to be a human being again after essentially drinking morning to night, seven days a week since like 2019/2018. Maybe before that, it's honestly been such a blur since i started getting panic attacks and had to leave graduate school, my life spiraled, and I am finally starting to recognize myself in the mirror again. I never thought I would find love again and here I am. I thought I would never lose the weight, and now I'm almost back to my smallest weight. But I've been feeling the depression creep back up.
I haven't been working at all, and I won't lose my job, but also I am not making any money and I need to find an apartment by May. But I kind of just wake up and feel SO tired, so overwhelmed, that I end up doing nothing at all. I scroll away mindlessly.. and I feel like that is part of why I ended up relapsing. I have lost most of the weight by sticking to an alternate day fasting schedule and I have abandoned that for the past week, so that combined with me not feeling motivated to work at all, it's almost like i am so stressed about everything and nothing at the same time to the point where i just shut down, even though i actually like my job. I feel like I had a really good idea of the things that i needed to do in order to keep myself under control and keep advancing in my life and it's like i just gave them all up and threw my hands up and stopped doing all of the things that were holding me together.
Maybe I lost sight of things. I don't know how... because I'm always trying to keep up with my spirituality and work on myself, I feel like I lost sight of the basics... like remembering to breathe. It's like, I've fell into this place of searching for answers when the solution is for me to just get out of bed, brush my teeth, stick to my fasting schedule, and then get some work done. But I don't know why it's so hard for me to just do those things. I know the solution to my problems is very simple. I just am so afraid of losing control of my life again, it was UGLY before, I'm sure many of you understand and have been there. But my life was a dark abyss before. And now, I have every reason to be hopeful. For years and years, Christmas just cemented the fact that my life was unhinged, made me feel worse because everything was going wrong and getting worse. This is the first year I don't want to cause myself harm today. And that in itself is massive... I have everything going for me in a positive direction. I think that I am just allowing myself to still feel like things are going bad, and that I am in a defeated state of mind even though my life has done a full 180.
I just want to try to get a hold of the reigns again so that I can stop going back to old negative coping habits, I just really want to be able to feel joy this holiday season, because I know that it's possible if I can calm down enough to approach things rationally... being here is my attempt at doing that. Maybe I am feeling really alone because I don't have any friends in this new city that i moved to.... i still have some anxiety about going out places by myself. But also, my boyfriend is really good about inviting me whenever he does things with his friends, and we have plans to meet with them on Wednesday, so hopefully that will be a good time. I just want to be happy and have a fulfilling life, so so bad. I'm willing to try anything and commit to it.
Do you think that maybe I should try to find a way to get out more? Maybe the isolation is what led me to relapse. Obviously there is something that I was doing wrong if I fell into this depression, when I was doing so well before, maybe I was neglecting a social need, or maybe it's seasonal, and the subconscious energy of this holiday is causing me to spiral a little bit. Maybe I should try breaking my day into feasible tasks, make sure that I do some work everyday so that i don't have so much anxiety about finances? Idk I'm just so afraid of failing and fumbling this second chance at life that I've been given
@blueberry0717
You should be proud of all your progress that you have made ..... it is a huge accomplishment.
you have a few suggestions for yourself that are a good plan
sometimes when you reach a goal or close to it people lose their main motivation ... it is easy to slide... i would encourage you to get out more or find a hobby / routine to keep you focused. boredom has caused a few backslides in my life.
Did you perhaps have the feeling that once all the problems were solved ...When ....you reached this goal .....or things would be different ........but in reality they are better but not the magical all works perfectly you had envisioned ?
I have known a few who backslide because the simple things like work and life go on and each day is still a work in progress
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for the kind words, I really needed them today
It's a good idea to get out more, I think i have a problem going places by myself because of some fear, but i want to try to overcome that because i don't think staying in all the time is being healthy for me... i have also been meaning to work on a book that i'm writing, but it's like i get so stuck in my head with the overthinking that i tend to shut down and end up doing nothing all day. i just want to try to change things... i'm so determined to do it
i feel like i have always had realistic expectations, i just am struggling with the emotions coming up along my journey. in the past i think that i used drinking to mask a lot of uncomfortable things, i would numb myself, and now that i am not depending on something to numb myself, it's like... i'm confronting myself on a deep level and realizing so many things that it is kind of overwhelming me. in a lot of ways it was easier to rot away... but how beautiful would it be to keep struggling for the goal i have in mind... i know that i literally just need to take care of myself and stay calm, and then i will be able to have a healthy marriage and family that i dream of.. it's like my overthinking is sabotaging the things i worked so hard to set into motion for myself.
i think i just have a hard time tackling each day. the devil is in the details, and all that. i know i can benefit from calming my mind, but i find it so hard to do. i want to try to change my routines and my mindset so that i can flow with life better
You have already accomplished so much! You should be really proud of yourself.
But depression does have a way of sneaking back in. It feels much the same, but the bouts are usually shorter, I promise. Why? Because you know better how to cope. You came back on here to get out what was in your head.
A few suggestions that might help a bit:
1) talk to people in your real life to let them know you are struggling. It sounds like you have a good care network now. They will want to try to be there for you a bit. They won't be perfect, but the more talking that you do the better.
2) Get outside. Make walking or being out in nature part of your daily routine, even for a few minutes. It will help settle your soul and not have you feeling like you are dominated by the computer.
3) Do tasks that seem overwhelming in little chunks. That feeling of little accomplishment is critical.
4) Be sure that you are eating and drinking water. Covering the basics also improves your ability to tolerate stuff.
You can do this. We can cheer you on.
@blueberry0717