Detached

Gradually, over time, after dealing with constant abuse over and over and over again, on top of daily chronic/chest pain...it's made me grow numb. I feel detached from people. My feelings that made me human are slowly disappearing. Everyday, it's just a routine... A routine to hit my goal of escaping here and leaving everything behind. Things haven't been good and I have no one to rely on. Instead, I was used and manipulated multiple times by many different people or given broken promises. My heart is growing cold and weary. I've even begun disassociating again... But... Hopefully I am able to move out of here very soon, in a few months, somewhere far...and eventually, to a different country once I switch careers. I'm exhausted everyday.

I don't care about my memories. I don't care about my past. None of it matters and I feel less likely to open up over time. Those horrible things that happen to me and even left me physically damaged? Will be a faint memory, recorded in a journal, tucked FAR away...as my memory is slowly starting to fade, and if needed, it can serve as a reminder so I don't end up in similar toxic situations.

When I move, I plan on keeping to myself and doing some self-care before I can trust anyone ever again. Maybe some therapy, if I can find the right one, albeit, it's been difficult and I've tried multiple in the past...

I'm just tired and wanted to vent... Probably need another hiatus from 7cups until I move and start my new life.