Dealing with guilt after breakup due to mental health issues
Hello everyone!
So, it has been FOUR years since the breakup of my long term relationship. I thought I was over it, but apparently I am not since I recently got a notification on *** that my ex-boyfriend is there now, too (apparently you get notified whenever one of your contacts in your phone makes an account there - and he is still one of my contacts). I was able to see his photo and were he lives now; he now lives in a different city with his new girlfriend and step daughter. I could not believe it, but allll the feelings came rushing back! We had a really good and healthy relationship until I got mentally ill, I started having issues with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Back then, mental health was a new thing for me and it took some months to even get me diagnosed and find the help I needed. He tried to be supportive during that time, but as my symptoms worsened he slowly turned away, sometimes would not talk to me anymore for days. It was too much for him to cope or he simply did not know how to cope seeing me struggle. This I totally understand how hard it can be to have a partner who is suffering. Eventually he broke up, and I felt totally guilty and responsible. And up until now it feels like it was all my fault, that, if I wouldn't have gotten ill, if I wouldn't have struggled, we would still be together... or that if I would have gotten better again soon after we would have had a second chance. It is very hard for me to live with these guilt feelings. Any suggestions?
hi, I can understand what you’re going through. I had to struggle with moments of anxiety and depression. And I’m sorry to hear that this disease has taking some of the best parts of your life. Nothing can prepare the people that are around us 24 seven forward to come with dealing with somebody with mental issues. Most family members, friends partners, are unfamiliar with the amount of pain that comes with having this disease and fog that it puts on our ability to think straight and have control of our emotions. The only suggestion that I could give to you is to know that you are in the place that you need to be. Recovering from mental illness is possible I feel it. The sad reality is that as a part of recovery we will from time to time have to look back on some of the damage that was caused by this disease. It’s not easy but with the right type of support and people that you can talk to, could help understand why for him to move on is his form of healing it sucks because what’s left for us is our own healing which is often so much more slower than everybody else’s.
what I have found for myself when the pass comes flashing before my eyes I often hold my own hand and remind myself that my life is my life and their life is theirs and each journey to be experienced in their own and I can’t be jealous or resentful for that, I remind myself that I’m only human I am made up of flesh and I have real pain and I squeeze my hand and tell myself that no matter what happens everything is going to be OK so long as I put myself, my mental clarity first, that usually helps to bring me back to center.
hugs from a stranger,
Michelle
I can imagine how tough it is to manage with that new information. That kind of stuff comes back up and bites us when we aren't watching, in my opinion.
The first key is just time. Having lots of distractions right now will help you find a better path.
Depression does hurt relationships, but keep reminding yourself that he was also part of the reason that you broke up. He couldn't manage it, not just you. Some people are better at helping than others. You want to have people in your life who can help you through rough spots. He couldn't do that. It isn't anyone's fault. It just is.
Does that way of thinking help a bit? @creativeLion1989
Thank you so much for your response! Yes, it helps. Rationally I also know that it is not about right or wrong, or guilt, and that these things just happen. However, I really would have wished he would have stayed just a bit longer since when he broke up I literally just had gotten a therapy placement. I tried to save the relationship so much, I put myself under pressure to not cry all the time in front of him etc - of course that did not work out. In the end, I am still me and I have been growing and am still growing… and in the end, I can’t hide what I am going through if I want to have authentic connections.
It sounds like you tried a HUGE amount. You deserve those authentic connections. Not everyone can give them. But you will find other people who can. @creativeLion1989
Thank you so so much @bestVase7265! Yes, I think, even if I would speak with him today I would still feel “smaller” than him. I feel like I would have to show to him that “I am normal” or that “I am living a really good life”. I also think that only then the relationship would have worked. But mental health is now such a part of me. I know that not everyone can handle it, but I also don’t want to be viewed as “the person who is ill” - and this is my feeling regarding my ex boyfriend. He even said to me when he broke up that he feels like things will never get better with me.
Well he is wrong about things never getting better. They are better now. And there are plenty of people out there who can understand you better.
Now you have an opportunity to look out for more of them. Learning is painful and hard but you are actually in a better place than you were a few weeks ago. @creativeLion1989
@bestVase7265Yes, things also ARE better now. I still feel as if I have something to "prove" to him. I can't blame him for leaving back then since he was just not equipped to handle such a situation - and that is totally understandable and fine. But for me this was just so so traumatic and it haunts me until today. I truly wish he and me would be able to have a chat about it.
Well, if you feel really strongly you could write him a letter. I would wait another month or so to mail it though to see if your emotions were still the same. The key to everything is to keep you from getting hurt again. @creativeLion1989
Ahhh, I know! Rationally I know what you are saying is true. But! I actually did write him an email the other night because I "couldn't hold it anymore" so to speak. I did not write anything mean, just things from my perspective and things I just haven't said all these years. I don't think he will reply though. @bestVase7265
Then it sounds like you are good now. There is nothing more that you can do except to focus on other aspects of your life and allow yourself to grow there. @creativeLion1989
@creativeLion1989 I totally understand how you feel. It's been 5 years since I was in a long term relationship and I struggled mentally during the time and I do think that if I was better it wouldn't have gone that way. HOWEVER, the more and more research I've done on mental health issues the more I'm starting to realise that it's a combination of our personality with our environment. And I think the could have's and should have's cloud your view. You might have been difficult in those times, I know I was, but it's not your fault that someone didn't know how to love you.
Thank you so much for your reply @proactiveAvocado1814! Yes, I really wasn’t easy to be with: panic attacks, a lot of crying… I pushed harder and harder and that was the wrong thing to do of course, also tried to play roles and put myself under even more pressure. He really tried to help me at first, but retreated more and more eventually and stopped talking. And then broke up. I agree with you that the combination of environment and personality plays a huge role regarding our well being - and our healing. Back then I just felt pressure within the relationship “to be normal again” and that did not help of course but put me under more pressure. Yes, the could haves and should haves really cloud my view, I really don’t know how to deal with this emotional pain right now.
@creativeLion1989
listen love it's okay you don't need to feel this glut its okay to feel that/this way but remember that we're only human and its okay to feel like we're in *** but we need to see help if we must and im saying this as someone who has been through depression before i believe in you i do you've got this
❤️❤️