Classic topic- Unsupportive parents

I'm sure some of you have experienced this. My parents are not exactly supportive, but I can't seem to stop myself from blabbing to them and that just makes things worse. It's a horrible cycle. Like:

I had multiple mental breakdowns yesterday. I wanted to k*ll myself yesterday. I was ready to do some hospital-worthy self harm yesterday. I couldn't get my necessary lesson planning done (obviously), so I called out sick today because I have nothing to teach. I felt enormously guilty for lying about being sick and for not pulling myself together yesterday, so instead of enjoying my day off, I punished myself by laying in bed. Mom peeks in around noon to finally check on me and I'm smart enough to only tell her I'm taking a mental health day, but then she just says "I'm sorry you have to take a mental health day." and then she hurries off to walk her dog. Like I shouldn't have taken the day off? I want people to care about me, but there was something so surface-level about her sympathy that it made me feel worse in the aftermath. Like she'd judged me to be too much and then tossed me aside because she didn't actually want to deal with me.

Like SHE KNOWS. I called her crying hysterically throughout college, I've admitted that I wanted to k*ll myself multiple times in the past decade to her, she's driven me to inpatient treatment centers and psych wards and therapy. She's sat in on my therapy. She's picked up my meds for me. She knows I still self harm. 

And yet when I finally find the strength of will to get out of bed, have breakfast, and properly clean up the kitchen for her, she takes it for granted. I make the mistake of telling her that I will probably take tomorrow off too, because I lack the time and motivation to create three lesson plans from scratch. She just looked at me and said "Oh, wow." and then just left the house to carry on with her day. I'm writing this now to try to get it off my chest and not just give up in bed or self harm. 

I almost wish that instead of miming that she is ready to care about me, she would just ignore me like my dad. My dad knows everything I have been through. He was even the one who discovered that I'm still self harming recently. He addressed the self harm in a little business-like talk over an uncomfortable family dinner and now he's back to pretending that nothing is wrong with me. He laughs with my mom about their upcoming couple retreat to Italy. He never bothers to check in. 

I have one brother that is taking all their money and lying about taking college classes while he indulges in travelling. I have another brother that is getting DUIs and crashing his car multiple times. I have another brother that has depression and anxiety to such a level that he can't live on his own and he couldn't finish college and he can't get a job and he wanders around the house at night muttering loudly to himself. 

So then there's me: I have a Master's degree. I don't do drugs and I don't crash my car. I have a job that I am diligent about. I look functional enough. There's already enough people in my family having problems- I'm not allowed to have problems anymore. I feel like my parents at this point have just shelved me. Like I've had my time taking their sympathy and attention, but now that time is up. Everything is too much for them to deal with, so I'll get judged and then tossed aside. 

And I keep thinking how sad it is that the only time I felt like I got the parental figure care that I truly needed in recent memory was from strangers in mental health hospitals: twice I was hugged by maternal-looking fellow patients and twice it felt like I was going to lose my mind because I actually felt completely loved and accepted and not judged at all. 

C'est la vie. I have to get ready for a psychiatrist appointment now. I don't know if writing any of this helped me or if it would help anyone else, but at least it's a better use of my time than giving up in bed or self harming, so yay I guess.