As I Wake….a short story w/ a long message.

As I wake, I hear the life above me continue on as if I never existed. My love interest, who seems to don’t care if I lived or die, continues by. I understand completely that she has children of her own to take care, but I helped with all that. I didn’t mind, I wanted to and I miss them as much as I miss mines. The tears I shed, as I wake, are for my children, whose mother finally opened her eyes to the truth of, “it was both of us and not just me”. However the distance and protection of my new life from the monotony of the adults acting like kids from my old life, drove a wedge between my own. I am now in repair mode to develop my relationship with them. Baby steps but it’s working. As I wake, I’m still shedding the tears hearing my “dog son” above my head, listening to the commands I taught him through my ex. I shed tears on the decisions I made that I thought were correct but I feel as if I wasn’t enough for her, on her time, at her moments. Idk. I’ve sat my world down to build up another and then add my world. She wants what she wants and I reflect, “did she ever ask what I wanted with US?”  I shed my tears to try and shed my fears in silence as not to disturb anyone else’s world or lives. I put my all into my blended family. I know I made mistakes; financial. I’m not on drugs, alcohol and never strayed. She wanted a husband and I was trying to build myself into one. I struggled as a father to build myself into a man and yet I feel I wasn’t enough. As I wake, I pray that God brings them all back to me….As I wake, my tears shed knowing the reality of my situation. I have build my communication, worked on my clinical diagnoses, worked at trying and getting rid of fear. My eyes open to the pain and hurt that a man can feel for the loss of what all he had left. I have no family. I have no friends. No beginnings, just ends. I have let down my children, my step-children, my ex, even a very small part of me feels like I let my children’s mother down in a way. I’ve let myself down. As I wake, my tears fill a pool that holds all my memories of happiness that filters into sadness. I miss my family, I miss my happiness I miss my purpose. God knows I’ve tried and be the warrior I was made to be, but the war seems too long, too difficult to navigate. Battle weary, my eyes swell. I’m sorry, that I failed. I’m sorry for being that failure. I’m sorry…..As I wake, my tears fall, as I fall. 

Thank you for your time if you read this. 😢😣😞😔😒🙏🏽