All the rage, and not wanting to be around people

Hey everyone.

So this is something that has been bothering me for a while. I am very aware that I might not find much help on this site and I just need to go to an actual professional, but until I do, I'd just like to rant about it some.

So I think this started around summer of 2020. I was working a seasonal job. The job was cool, and my boss was a really cool guy. However, my co-worker was not. She was obnoxious and rude to me pretty much the entire time we were working (and living) together for the season. What's worse about all this is that since I lacked a lot of confidence in myself at that time, and I was a people pleaser, I let her get away with her bad behavior and was always afraid to tell her off even if she was clearly in the wrong.

But that began a major shift. I feel like that was the point where my mind couldn't take it anymore not standing up for myself. After all, I never stood up for myself in school. I was always afraid to.

After the job ended and I went back home, I felt all of these feelings of rage just pour out of me. Some of this rage was at the co-worker but most of it was actually aimed at myself. At my inability to stand up for myself, at my lack of confidence. And although the pandemic starting that year wasn't necessarily a 'cause' of my continued feelings of rage, it definitely didn't help. I began to notice just how awful other people can be to others. I hated hearing about bad behavior in the news. I hated how some people had the actual nerve to use "pandemic stress" as an excuse for their bad behavior towards others. I was just supposed to sit there at take it? Absolutely not.

So that just made me MORE angry, which of course fueled my automatic negative thinking patterns. None of this of course was good for my periodic depression.

Anyway, fast forward to now, and although the rage has stopped pouring out of me and I've grown a bit more in standing up for myself and others, It's still been difficult for me to go out in public and not be a little grumpy when I'm around other people. I don't want to make eye contact, don't want to talk to anyone else. I just want to run my errands and leave. I still expect the absolute worst in other people, constantly on the defensive if someone even tries talking to me. It's even affected my ability to look for romantic relationships because I am constantly thinking that the men I meet are going to make fun of me if I let them know they're attractive (listen I KNOW this is a very silly thing to think but for some reason my mind keeps bringing that up and won't stop) so I just don't even bother trying to meet them.

It's not all hopeless, though. There have been many good exceptions. The job I have now is very nice. I like my co-workers, and have even gone to a few events in the new town that I live in. I have had a few pleasant conversations with strangers in stores (with them always being the one to reach out first because like I'd actually dare lol). However, I still feel like I am continuing to withdraw a little from society. I feel like my heart has gotten colder these last couple of years and I really don't like it. I do have medication to take for depression, but that only helps so much you know?

Anyway, if you've read all the way to the bottom thanks! Like I said I just need to rant so you don't need to respond or anything unless you want to.