dec
i think i'm at the end of the line here. dead end. i was in denial but i kind of already knew. i just have no future. i like to think i had a chance, but honestly, i never did. not sure how to feel. it's just being tired from nothing all the time. i don't even really expect sympathy from people. i get why they'd look down on me for being so weak and incompetent,. it is what it is.
my life is kind of bad but i know it's my fault. my options are few now if any. i exhausted them all (and failed them all, naturally)
watching an innocent animal die has been the last straw for me
after all this time, i was right that your best doesn't mean anything. if it doesn't cut it it just doesn't. despite my pathetic efforts, it still died. everything dies or disappears in my life i guess. i can only blame myself.
i no longer have the energy to delay the inevitable. i really gave it my best shot, but again, that's barely anything at all. at this point i sort of drained any drive left in me.
well, i was happy once. once is more than i could have ever asked for.
it makes no difference what happens anymore. only the same thing happens over and over again. i'm just waiting until the day i don't wake up anymore. then i can finally disappear alongside my memories in peace. i look forward to it
I don't even really care about waiting for a '''better future'''. I am simply uninterested. I care about very little at this point. Living life constantly waiting for something that could never happen is still not a happy one. It's just one where you constantly escape from your reality. I only say this for my situation though. Of course other people who hold on to hope, I actually admire. Actually I really only care
the best description is being trapped on a long and terrible car ride, and even IF i knew for sure that it'd have a wonderful destination, I longer care about it, if I had ever cared for it to begin with. I just want to get off the car ride. Of course, life isn't really that great so i'm stuck here until i rot someday. It's a waste of time but there is nothing that can be done
honestly things are not getting better. i'm doing what i just have to do but i'm not happy.
if the expectations are low enough, anything will do. for me, life is giving up what i really want to survive.
I give up more and more. things are not getting better. I think i'm just getting used to not feeling alright.
And here i am writing in an isolated corner again because there's no one i can talk to. no friends, family or strangers. i understand it. and it's better that way because in a way i don't want to be lead on about some happy thoery that won't come true, waste my time chasing the end of the rainbow. at least this way things will end swiftly and cleanly, and i can't troubl anyone when my life ends.
i can muse about it all i want but what is, is. i just hope it's over soon
