My story so far

Hi, I'm not comfortable sharing my age, but I really want to tell my story. I need help right now, honestly my childhood was weird, my parents were strict and hit me pretty badly when I was younger, always kind of overreacted and did many more. In there eyes, it was out of love, but I could never really spend time with them, nor did I want to but I had some good moments. Because they hit me a lot I turned to anything that gave me pleasure, such as food, internet and video games. This helped relieve a lot, and honestly I wasn't taught that mental health was real. I got bad grades, I was forgetful and I got beaten even more, and it was a cycle, waste time, have fun watching what you want and then get beaten, feel like a loser and be good at nothing. Some days I thought the world was better without me. I was confused at what I was good at, and I honestly wanted to feel like someone. Things got a little better, but not much, I was nervous and worried many times in a week. Eventually, I discovered pornography, became addicted and even though I could have fun with my friends, and be happy, it all goes away when I got beat and I was the only one to blame. I don't break down a lot, sometimes I do, like last week I only saw myself living in a future where I was a nobody, a loser and never accomplished my goals. I thought I should have died, and committed suicide. I discovered kid cudi recently, an artist who speak about mental health. Everyone said they could relate and I tried. I uncovered lots of feelings like, how I have let myself, my family down. How even though I don't think about it, everyday does seem further and further away from my goals. I feel the world is better without me, that doesn't really overwhelm me. My anxiety attacks do, sometimes. I realized I have so many problems, I don't have the answers too, at some point they would eat me up. I see a depressing future for myself. Sadly, I force myself to think these things because I felt like someone, kid cudi made me feel like I was someone even though I have nothing about me special currently. Even though I'm happy in the moment, once it escapes, I realize it's a cycle in which I get beaten up, feel happy, and go back. I'm not really happy living like that. But, it makes me feel like someone. I don't know if I have demons, or depression. But I have issues, and I force myself to think of these things because they make me feel like someone, but they are real problems. I try to be more real with myself. I feel the only thing that can help is a depression diagnoses, to feel complete. I want help and a better future so badly, I'm not getting it at this pace. I need help, and I'm obsessed with one question, do I have depression?