Confused
Hi, I'm 14 years old, and I'm confused about my life, I think it has been difficult. My whole life, other people made fun of me, because I was slightly overweight, my bully in 5th grade- 8th grade, said a lot of rude things to me. He threw some punches, a few slaps, the worst he did was hit my head on a table, it bled and left a tiny scar, a red eye, hit me with an Iphone charger, my hand was bruised and had a nasty mark on it, honestly, he called me so many rude things, said I wasn't even good enough to eat a dogs poop. My life at home was ok, I knew my parents loved me, but we just grew distant, all they cared about was my grades, education and health. I know that's enough, but we just didn't have a relationship aside from that. A artist called kid cudi came into my life, I listened to him after I got bullied. I understood it. I was addicted to porn and the internet, because I was always forced to study at home and my bully made me scared and I didn't want to be hit. I felt all kinds of feelings after listening to cudi, I thought the bad things about me, made me the person I am. I thought it was the only thing that made me special. I took a depression test, I was depressed, but mostly from symptoms of porn addiction, and feeling sad after getting bullied. I forced myself to think of ending things, I realized that I should have never existed and I can't escape. Also, I was trapped in a cycle, get bad grades, watch porn, get bullied. My intelligence was the only thing special about me, without that I'm nothing. Whenever I get bad grades, I feel terrible about how I'm so stupid, why I cant get basic things right. SO the question I have, is am I depressed, or is just porn addiction symptoms and feeling sad. I barely have to energy to change for the better.
Hi Indigo house, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. It’s way more than a child should have to deal with. You sound like a very nice person. Please talk to your parents about your concerns. You should not be being bullied at school. The school should help with that and your parents can help facilitate a talk with the school. As for feeling sad, I don’t know much about symptoms of addiction and withdrawal, but it is a possibility you are feeling withdrawal symptoms and I’m sure there is overlap with depression with that. Maybe talking to a councilor would help. You could run that by your parents and see what they think too. I’m sure they very much want you to feel happy and healthy. Sending virtual hugs.
@enthusiasticPapaya8329 the bullying wasnt any everyday, thing and normally it never goes this far, he did say a lot of awful stuff, and does sometimes, punch and slap me, they dont really hurt anymore
I’m so sorry to hear they treated you like that. They should not have. Have to take the high road and be better than them, but also should turn them in to try to make it stop.
Please dont let what this bully says make you feel less then. Hurt ppl hurt ppl.
Could be a combo of the two. depression and addiction. Do you have any other hobbies or interests?
Honestly, I love tennis, cooking. I loved doing math problems, I do them occasionally, but I always pick porn, and everything else over it. I'm so confused if its depression, because honestly, I feel fine most of the time, then something knocks it back down. Man, the things that have been said too me have gone too far, I honestly, like don't have a relationship with my family, other than my brother, because all they care about is how well I'm studying, if I'm healthy, they will do so much to make me happy in whatever way they can, but we just don't like have a relationship. I force myself into the depression, because it's the only thing in my life that makes me feel special. Sometimes, my real feelings come out and they make me break down. Once, I was doing some physics problems, in school, I know it sounds petty, but I broke down. Without my intelligence I'm nothing, I was worried if I was dumb or stupid. Sometimes, I feel like I will always be a loser because of my addictions to pornography, it has been going on for 3 years. No one understands and call me selfish, but it feels unfair that I have no one who is helping me. I realized that my whole life, I had to go through all my problems myself. No one ever helped, and they won't. I guess I realized the truth from that music, I feel like I have to be depressed to be chose, but that not true. KiD CuDi, is telling me the oppisite, I need to keep pushing, but I just can't.
Sounds like your family cares about you. It’s more of a relationship than you realize, I’d bet. Addiction help is somewhat out of my league, but I’d wager a professional therapist could help. Also, you are more than your addiction. You are a terrific person. So, what’s the next step to recovery? Quit cold turkey? Tell an adult and get some help?
