At the ends of the day, all you have is yourself; I’m always alone.
No one’s real anymore, my mind is creating a false reality wrapped in the inconsistencies of my thoughts. I’m suicidal every night and it gets worse as the night gets on. Yet at the same time nighttime is the only time that comforts me. It’s where I can be vulnerable and alone. Everynight I try to concern myself to find someone to talk to, but I soon find a drought and no one’s there. Or I sit there and think how anyone I reached out to would not be able to support me or understand. They couldn’t help or change anything so why bother even trying to reach out for help? I’m the only person who wakes up with myself and goes to bed with myself everyday, all I have is myself and my life and my future rely on myself. But I’m so trapped in my mind I see and know exactly what to do to get better. Yet I’m paralyzed and I can’t breathe. The tiniest things overwhelm me. I hate this world and nearly everyone in it. No one loves you truly as they say you do. When you get to such a low point people get scared, they leave, they don’t know what to do. So you sit there with the guilt of scaring and pushing everyone away so you bottle it up. The wall around my brain grows thicker and thicker as I progressively begin to lose the extravagant person I am. I don’t know who I am anymore, this world has beat me down to a pulp to where I’m unrecognizable. Even to my own family… what have I become.
@Marin2003 Hi. True that sometimes we can’t find someone to really listen. There have been times when I really needed to talk to someone and I couldn’t get anyone, or the person I got did not quite help. But I’ve persisted in seeking help where it is available and I learned that some days it just has to be me by myself for that night, but I expect it will change and a night or two later I find someone really helpful. I learned I could call cry sis lines even if I was not feeling like a dan ger to mis self. (Typing funny cuz the algorithm here won’t let you post if it thinks you’re in cry sis). So you might want to try that. Our minds are like random thought generators. I learned that through meditation practice - it’s literally impossible to get my mind quiet for more than a few seconds at a time. The trick, in meditation and in non-meditation regular life, is to not let our minds hop on the thought train or if we do, jump off. If the mind comes up with a distressing thought, it kind of naturally gets our attention and we almost always start a conversation with it. We agree with it. The mind then finds another thought that agrees with that, and soon we can find ourselves in a downward spiral. A lot of times, talking with other supportive people can help us break out of this. It’s also good to learn how to do that ourselves. One thing that helped me tremendously with that was this —> https://youtu.be/H1T5uMeYv9Q
I urge you to keep looking for sources to help. Finding the thing that helps can be a challenge. And sometimes I found things that helped and then for a variety of reasons it seemed like I couldn’t use that anymore. Like a sister who always had comforting words and good advice. Or some method of reliable stress relief (like the gym closing down when Covid hit), or a therapist who was leaving practice. It felt unfair, but then I started to get used to the idea that there isn’t always going to be just one answer. So I urge you to keep trying. It really is worth it to keep moving forward. Wishing you the best!
I am so sorry that you have been struggling for so long and the walls are feeling so unclimbable.
Nights can be the worst especially. What things have you tried to do to get some sleep. @Marin2003