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Confusing times (vent)
VCCjusttalk August 19th
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I just dont know how i feel about art anymore, and i am a soon to graduate in a art career... I just dont feel like i am good enough, i dont think i am ready. What am i actually going to do afterwards? I don´t know if i want to only be an art teacher, but i also know is the most probable way to make an income, and also i am good at it. Like, i know for a fact that i could be a good teacher and help others that way.

I have mixed feelings about recognition and "success", on the one hand i know it is not important, on the other, i still have this feeling of being a fraud and a failure if i dont "make it" as an artist. I remember when i just wanting to do nice things, i feel like i am lost. 

I think it all boils down to my low self esteem, i hate needing validation from others, but i cant give myself permission to be free, never.

All of these years studying, i dreamed about this moment, about being free from classes and having time to ACTUALLY improve my art, but now i am scared i will never be able to... 

I just dont want to feel like i wasted my life away, but i am afraid i will never be satisfied with myself, i will never be enough.

Is also like there are so many routes and ways my future could go, and i am still young (21), but at the same time im afraid to settle, to chose one thing and then missing everything else, then feel like i wasted everything. 

And i just hear these voices inside my head, from people i´ve met, friends, teachers, they are thinking to themselves about how much of a dissapointment i am, about why did i study such a career when i am not good enough, why did i study such a career when i was just going to end up teaching after all? 

And i know is all ego and narcissism, and maybe i am just being inmature about it. 

It shouldn´t mind where my future goes, as long as i am happy doing the things i do, doing what i want. But still, when i think of drawing or painting, i just feel afraid of finding out where i lack.

I dont know, maybe im just afraid because i will finish soon, and there is nothing ahead of me anymore.

I just dont know anything anymore. I wanted to do art, but i will never be an artist. 

and I am afraid that i wont be happy because of it... for most ridicule that it may sound

1
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@VCCjusttalk Sometimes, our lives turn out differently than we planned--and that's good! We can't all know everything right away, and we have to adapt as we learn and change.

Put another way, I once read something that has stuck with me for a long time: "Why would you let a 22-year-old tell you what you should do with your life?" The 22-year-old, of course, was me; the 22-year-old was also wrong about what I would do. But that doesn't mean I am sorry I didn't do what I thought I would do. I learned from the experiences I had, and I'm sure you have, too.

And you'll learn from the experiences you will have, too. It's okay not to know how it will all play out right now. None of us really knows how it will all end up in the end.

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