the Joy of the Holidays

i know that a good majority of people often feel down & depressed during this time of year. It’s cold out, it gets dark earlier, the trees are not full of green, Christmas, thanksgiving & new years happen which means spending time with loved ones. Some people don’t have the opportunity to spend the holidays with others. Some don’t have anyone to spend them with. Seasonal depression happens around this time. There’s many factors that may affect how someone feels about this time of year.

but me? I love it. I love the cold. I could walk around in a bikini in the cold because I love it that much. I love Christmas lights, like an unusual amount. I love driving around and looking at Christmas lights. I love seeing the decorations. Most of the people around me don’t enjoy going to see Christmas lights. They don’t understand why I enjoy it so much. & honestly, I don’t either. Just like I don’t understand why I love parades so much, or why I love history & how things work, how things were made, how things used to be. I often watch videos of people going through “time capsule” houses. I love seeing old products such as a sprite can, bandaid boxes, etc & knowing how they used to look. I love old magazines, old books, old commercials or ads in a newspaper. I tend to fixate on these things that I love and I’m not sure why.

I feel such a strong feeling of love towards these things. Christmas lights & decorations, parades, history. I love all of these things as if they were people I know. When I get fixated on these, it’s hard for me to not talk about them or get super giddy. Whenever I see these things I feel an overwhelming amount of happiness.

i absolutely believe others experience seasonal depression but why don’t I? Is it simply because I struggle with depression year round? Does it only affect people who don’t struggle year round?

I never feel depressed during one specific season. I love summertime because of the beach, swimming, getting a tan & being around a pool all day. I love spring because it’s not too hot & the bees, butterflies and birds are out enjoying each day, flowers bloom, trees are full of beautiful green leaves, the pollen coats my car as if the bees were saying “we’re here and we love it”. I love fall because it’s the perfect temperature outside, you can go to a pumpkin patch and pick out your favorite one and go home and carve it into anything, the leaves fall to the ground as if to say they’ve done their job and when the next season of warmth & light comes a new leaf when grow to take over the job. And lastly, I love winter time because it’s often pretty cold out, you get to bundle up and finally wear the cute sweater in your closet that you’ve been eyeing until the time was right, you get to wear your favorite hoodie, jacket, sweatshirt that it had been too hot to wear, you get less daylight which means more time to see all of the lights you’ve waited all year for, you can go to your favorite coffee spot & pick up a nice, warm drink to sip on as you look at the lights and decorations, each store you pass or walk into is filled with joy & smiling faces and as you walk to the aisle you need to go you pass numerous Christmas trees that wait patiently for someone to take them home and decorate them in a home that will make many memories, you pass the blow up decorations that whistle the sound of the air that fills them, you see lights that sparkle, some that fall, some big & some small. You feel the warmth of the air that blows throughout to ensure each customer is warm while shopping. You see the love, the joy and the peace in each persons face as they walk by, you see the light in the eyes of each child as they see their favorite cartoon character blown up and full of lights.

There’s so much to see. Some much love to feel. So many memories to make. There’s joy around each corner, at each store. Each house you pass gives off light through the windows as the Christmas tree sits. Through the year, each person is divided in some way. But as December approaches, each individual comes together without even knowing. They all share a common goal of spreading Christmas joy with the lights and decorations.

a majority of my trauma has been gained during the holidays, but somehow, some way I still see the good. I feel the love. I feel the joy. I see the lights that light up the sky. I feel the warmth of my coffee fill my stomach as I feel the warmth of the lights fill my heart.

what a wonderful feeling that is.

to know pain and still feel joy.