Not really sure?

@impartialPlum5477

Feeling like you don't matter is a heavy burden to carry, but please know that your feelings are valid. Your worth isn't solely defined by your roles or relationships. It's okay to want happiness for yourself.

Seeking support from friends and family is a step in the right direction, but it might also be helpful to reach out to a mental health professional who can provide guidance tailored to your situation. They can help you work through these feelings and find ways to discover what truly makes you happy and fulfilled.

@impartialPlum5477

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Hi there, I'm Zaati. I'd like to take a moment to leave our Crisis resource for you here: 7C Crisis Info - and it's completely up to you if you would like to check it out. But if it could make any difference that allows you to make it to another day or get through a night a little easier... couldn't it be worth it?

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You do deserve to continue your healing journey and to create a life that's fulfilling to you... a life where you are so familiar with peace it leaves an indent where it rests in your spirit even when it leaves for a moment or 2. And you deserve to believe this too.

We are never defined by the ways we cope with the pain we never asked to carry. I'm hearing that you've been making intentional efforts to cope in other ways too. Given what you've been up against, please know these efforts are still meaningful even when the pain stubbornly remains. It takes time. Just being real with you - sometimes it takes time and a half. Learning the coping skills that help us most involves some exploration and still - some may work better in some situations than others, and some may be more helpful to one person than another. It can be so exhausting for anyone. It's not easy to show up and keep showing up. But here you are and thank you for being here today and for allowing yourself to share authentically.

Healing from our past nearly requires us to be more stubborn than the frustration, inner-turmoil and devastation we've been left with. And, it can be such a confusing and discouraging process. We alone can decide to begin our process of healing but we don't need to do it alone. Personally, I can relate a lot to how you're feeling and building my own support system along the way made a huge difference even though it once began, for years, as using the local crisis lifeline. It's not like I'm without tough and tougher times now, to be clear, but they come a lot less and they don't last as long. What supports do you value most in your life right now? What supports do you possibly feel would be most helpful to you now? Are they accessible, or how could they be?

This is a lot to digest. I hope this wasn't the worst text wall of all time. I am wishing you wellness. Please feel welcome to keep us updated. And, again, 7C Crisis Info for the tough and tougher moments you may face. It isn't easy, but I hope you keep showing up.

May your 32nd year on this earth be kind to you and offer you guiding clarity - but above all else, I wish that it will give you hope. 🎂 Take care.

- Zaati

P.S. There is a self-harm and coping resource that I like to share sometimes. If it's alright that I share it with you, you can find it here: Alternative Coping and see if you find it helpful at all.

P.S.S. If you're open to suggestions for journal exercises, people sometimes benefit from assessing their values. In seeking purpose or even in discovering our identity, it can be helpful to first learn what's most important to us. (examples: Values Resource 1, values resource 2)
If we look at a list of values , there may be 30+ things that resonate with us.
Narrow it down or take 1-2 away at a time until you're left with 10. Focus on your top 3.
What are they? Does your current reality reflect these values being honored? If not, which values are being compromised? How could you prioritize these more moving forward? How else would you like to see these aligning in your life now and in the future? etc ♥︎

This feels so similar to what I went through the last 15ish years. A few words of love from someone who came out on the other side just fine-

First, you don't have to feel happy to love yourself. Happiness and love are not the same thing. There was the one year back in 2010 I will never forget, right? I was completely out of hope, I had recently been traumatized and at some points in my journey I wanted out of life. But, I held almost instinctively onto this idea that my purpose at work had value. Every day, no matter what, I went to work. Depressed and disassociative, gaining weight from emotional eating, out of money, in bad relationships...but because of one very consistent act, I continued to live. Not happy; but alive. I was loving myself into existence by choosing what I knew was the right thing to do.

Second, your healing will never be full until you let go of primarily outside methods to heal. I did this for years. I passed through all and any types of relationships (family, friends, romantic) looking for validation and clarity. That is not your anchor. Finding yourself within the context of your true core is extremely difficult if you grew up learning to be either codependent or an over-giver. Find your passions. Not what other pepple suggest you do, but what you know you should do. Wait until you are fully present with yourself and your beliefs before you try to seriously connect with someone in order to create a family, which demands higher levels of personal feelings of security FIRST, alone.

I hope that helps. I don't know, you remind me so much of myself from 10 years ago. Knowing myself now, this is just what I would tell my old self had I known. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️