2022 10 05 Reflection

The saying “When you hear hoofbeats, think horse, and not zebra” is relevant for me today. Before any new encounter with a therapist, I usually am in my head for “how it will go” and “what I will say” and “what they will respond”. Ugh. It’s nuts. I hear zebras and yet yesterday proved me wrong, yet again.

Renee was kind, empathetic, inquisitive, and steady. Good stuff so far.

I’m still processing my counseling session with her. She took her time to get to know me and ask some good questions but did let me talk a lot.

I honestly do not want to do THIS anymore, THIS being getting to know a new therapist, bear my soul (as far as I feel like I can), hold back some, and end up unfulfilled. I indicated this to Renee and she said I just needed to be honest and she would let me know if she was not comfortable with something I said. I plan to tell her more than I’ve told any other therapist, hopefully all this time.

I’ve thought about it between yesterday and today and saw a good post on Viola Davis’s Instagram. It talked about people with anxiety manage their image ALL the time. They hold back for fear of rejection. I feel like I’ve done this all my life and I want to stop. God damn, I’m 48 years old and it’s time.

I tested the waters to see if she would be comfortable with my past: childhood trama, sexual assault, possible sexual abuse, family trauma, kids with cronic illnesses, marriage ups & down, squelched self-expression. Nothing seemed to phase her, though I only gave her snippets into the topics.

She only asked that I speak freely. Completely honest. Why does this scare me? IDK, but I want to find out.

She offered to do her homework and provide a team approach with her as therapist and another therapist to actually run the EMDR sessions. I like this. I like feeling cared for, supported. Honestly as I write this, I am getting emotional, tears, thinking about feeling loved this way. Yeah, I have to pay for it, but I’m willing.