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meanderthal74
724 M Little Steps
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts80 Forum posts44 Forum upvotes48 Current upvotes48 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceAugust 31, 2022
Bio

Hello! I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and am working through how to reign in my moods for a more positive approach to life. I am an ENFP-T, so very sociable person, though I need time to recharge. I am Enneagram 3 wing 2, and an Encourager. I love being connected to a community of people as connection is key to me feeling better about myself and the world around me. I am a empathetic listener, but I love allowing others to listen to my stories and struggles, too. I look forward to connecting with people from all different backgrounds and locations on their journeys to better living.


Recent forum posts
Emptiness
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by meanderthal74
Last post
 October 12th, 2022
...See more I made a new friend online and we hit it off and could discuss being bipolar. It was a safe space. I leaned on them hard and fell in love. This is not the first time this has happened to me with caring women. I pull women close, then push them away when the heart work gets real. I desperately want a woman’s feelings and words to ease my loneliness and pain of being depressed and advice and love when manic. I am married and keep all these conversations from my wife. Long story. I want the attention just for me. I need it to feel whole and happy. I feel empty once again.
2022 10 10 - Three items for my therapist (TW: Alcohol, Porn)
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by meanderthal74
Last post
 October 13th, 2022
...See more TW: Alcohol, Porn 3 ITEMS FOR THE THERAPIST Yesterday I was spent and needed complete rest hoping rejuvenation would come soon but also just leaning into the rest. I spent the morning just doing simple low-energy tasks like feeding my dog and cat, making coffee, playing Wordle, journaling, and being lazy in general. I made a simple breakfast and took my meds. I realized too that I was low emotionally and kind of spent. My interactions with people both off and online were few and pretty non-emotional. At one point, I got really down and actually fell asleep on the sofa…at 11 am! I thought I must have been exhausted, but then after talking to a few online buddies I realized a few other things were going on. I was feeling sad. My daughter and her wife are having a hard time in their relationship and told us so. I dog-sat Cher, my dog-in-law, for the weekend, and while it was lovely she was a constant reminder to me that my kids are going through a rough patch. I somehow felt responsible without a clear reason why. I felt like my own growing up process when I hit 40 and was cycling pretty drastically through now what I know to be bipolar could not have been good on my kids. These are the shame loops that roll through my head, and were rolling through my head yesterday morning, over and over. Item #1 to discuss with Renee when I see her tomorrow. Another issue is my drinking. Before my DJ event on Saturday I had 6 beers throughout the afternoon from 11am to 4pm. During the DJ event, they had an open bar and I had 5-6 glasses (3 oz) of wine. I felt fun and flirty and in charge. It was a 5 hour party, so by the time 10:30 pm rolled around the buzz had pretty much worn off as I drank water, too. I left for home, and had to wind down with some porn in order to sleep. Fast forward back to Sunday, I woke up feeling low, and think the alcohol had something to do with it. My psych doc wants me to reduce my alcohol level because she says it reduces the power of the Lamictal. She’s appealing to my logic, but I find I don’t really care. I let my feelings run my life a lot. So, I am processing how to feel good about reducing my alcohol intake and if I really want to feel better. I like how I feel when I am buzzed; I like the fact that the thoughts in my head are calm; I like how I can help people have a good time by being extroverted, assertive, and in the now without regrets of the past and fear of the future plaguing me. But I think it’s catching up to me the morning after. Item #2 to talk to Renee about. My mood started to gradually improve after about 1pm on Sunday and I started to feel naturally happy again. I could focus on getting my meal planning and grocery shopping done again. I spent more time writing to my friend, Judy, who is walking with me in our bipolar journey. I am hopeful that talking about these issues from the heart with a friend who gets me will help me in the long run. I ordered Chinese food and my wife had a positive mental connection through conversation over dinner. She said she felt connected to me, and while I agree that our minds were, I was surprised a bit because I don’t feel that. I think we have two different ways of being satisfied that we are connected; one through the head and one through the heart. After years of therapy, I don’t seem to be able to break through this barrier with her. I am left feeling shame for not being able to meet her mental connection needs, and I won’t ask if she does too because that feels like rejecting something she loves about our relationship. Item #3 to talk to Renee about. So, yeah, it’s a lot. Probably more than 1 session with Renee LOL. Probably more like 1 year’s worth of sessions.
2022 10 05 Reflection
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by meanderthal74
Last post
 October 5th, 2022
...See more The saying “When you hear hoofbeats, think horse, and not zebra” is relevant for me today. Before any new encounter with a therapist, I usually am in my head for “how it will go” and “what I will say” and “what they will respond”. Ugh. It’s nuts. I hear zebras and yet yesterday proved me wrong, yet again. Renee was kind, empathetic, inquisitive, and steady. Good stuff so far. I’m still processing my counseling session with her. She took her time to get to know me and ask some good questions but did let me talk a lot. I honestly do not want to do THIS anymore, THIS being getting to know a new therapist, bear my soul (as far as I feel like I can), hold back some, and end up unfulfilled. I indicated this to Renee and she said I just needed to be honest and she would let me know if she was not comfortable with something I said. I plan to tell her more than I’ve told any other therapist, hopefully all this time. I’ve thought about it between yesterday and today and saw a good post on Viola Davis’s Instagram. It talked about people with anxiety manage their image ALL the time. They hold back for fear of rejection. I feel like I’ve done this all my life and I want to stop. God damn, I’m 48 years old and it’s time. I tested the waters to see if she would be comfortable with my past: childhood trama, sexual assault, possible sexual abuse, family trauma, kids with cronic illnesses, marriage ups & down, squelched self-expression. Nothing seemed to phase her, though I only gave her snippets into the topics. She only asked that I speak freely. Completely honest. Why does this scare me? IDK, but I want to find out. She offered to do her homework and provide a team approach with her as therapist and another therapist to actually run the EMDR sessions. I like this. I like feeling cared for, supported. Honestly as I write this, I am getting emotional, tears, thinking about feeling loved this way. Yeah, I have to pay for it, but I’m willing.
2022 10 04 Resistance
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by meanderthal74
Last post
 October 9th, 2022
...See more There’s a fair amount of resistance and anxiety that I have over my new therapy session today. It is EMDR therapy with a new therapist. I read up about it and it talks about finding repressed memories. I had a flashback to a memory while reading it that was disturbing. So there’s that. What am I afraid of? What is in the past is done, but I don’t like exposing the past. I’m afraid of what I may find, I guess. I’m afraid of feeling pain. I guess it is self-preservation. Well, anyway, there it is. I’ve said I will do the thing, now I have to do it. Ugh.
2022 10 02 Fresh Start
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by meanderthal74
Last post
 October 4th, 2022
...See more Today feels like a fresh start more than other Mondays. I've committed to getting organized with the goal of keeping my commitments to others. When I am in manic mode, I typically stay in my head and only keep commitments to myself, so this usually feels different. I do recognize the pattern, though, and know that it will take practice and effort to maintain. When I am in manic mode, my executive functioning goes out the window. So, I like these times when life feels manageable. One small item that helps is that I had no wine yesterday. I've been humming and hawing about this for a while now. The doctor that prescribed my Lamictal strongly suggested that I reduce my alcohol intake to 0 for most days. She says that alcohol makes the Lamictal less effective. I also took a look at my budget and time being what they are, I realized that I needed to save grocery money and reducing the amount of wine I buy can impact my bottom line. So, I feel like the writing is on the wall and I need to comply with a reduced/none alcohol consumption. This is going to be hard, no doubt about it. I am usually all for change and doing better when 1) I don't have a doctor's appt, 2) I have money for wine, 3) I feel good/less groggy the next day because of no wine. A vicious cycle. Well, I guess writing this out helps.
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