I don't know what to do 🥲

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Please skip this one if you are going through a hard time or you are sensitive to reading about common mental health outcomes and issues.  

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Lately, life has been very uncomfortable. From the outside looking in, people would tell me I have no room to complain. I have a loving mother and niece and sister, and I am surround by material things that should make life better.

The fact is it doesn't. Things are better, my symptoms are better, and sometime I am happy to be living. 🙂. Even though I have modern comfort, I am tore up on the inside. When I go out, I think complete strangers are talking about me.

I have severe anxiety thanks to everything that happened to me during my highschool years. I always, always, feel threatened. I never feel safe. Not at home, not at work, not around family. I feel there is always someone watching me. I recently had to go to the hospital and I feel the staff there purposely tried to aggravate my symptoms at night. It was *** from beginning to end.

Because of my illness, I have a hard time connecting with people, expressing myself verbally, and trusting people enough to talk to them. I feel very alone, and in someways, the idea of people watching me helps me cope. When I feel triggered, I speak out loud. I say ridiculous and often personal things. I feel I have to justify the fact that they've supposedly exposed my weaknesses and shortcomings> 

I go to unhealthy chatrooms looking for companionship. Often I am put down, and I am so messed up that, once they go in on me, I am Lazer focused on it and cannot leave my computer. I've spent a lot of time reading and remembering all the lies and insults they wrote. I even quote them because I think they predict the future.

I do all of this because I am often isolated from people with the door closed in my room. I don't trust them, and I wish I had someone to talk to that's not my mom or sister. If anyone tries to talk to me in person, I think about why they're doing it. In fact, a co-worker disclosed personal information to me, and my first thought was he is trying to get more information to use against me.

I feel I will always be alone, and I honestly don't know how long I can tolerate that. Mix that with the physical pain of depression and I hope you realize that I am not lucky and I don't have it good. I have things, but I can't enjoy them, not by myself fully and definitely not with people. I am incapable of fixing these issues.

I used to have faith in God, but that is slipping. I feel the church I attend doesn't want me there; not only that, I've prayed and prayed and prayed for relief and it never comes. I prayed for people in my life, but I am still alone. The only comfort I feel lately is one day, it will all end, and ceasing to exist is better than what I am feeling right at this second. I'm not looking for pity, I am looking for help. I don't know how to fix this.