I don't know what to do 🥲
***TRIGGER WARNING***
Please skip this one if you are going through a hard time or you are sensitive to reading about common mental health outcomes and issues. Â
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Lately, life has been very uncomfortable. From the outside looking in, people would tell me I have no room to complain. I have a loving mother and niece and sister, and I am surround by material things that should make life better.
The fact is it doesn't. Things are better, my symptoms are better, and sometime I am happy to be living. 🙂. Even though I have modern comfort, I am tore up on the inside. When I go out, I think complete strangers are talking about me.
I have severe anxiety thanks to everything that happened to me during my highschool years. I always, always, feel threatened. I never feel safe. Not at home, not at work, not around family. I feel there is always someone watching me. I recently had to go to the hospital and I feel the staff there purposely tried to aggravate my symptoms at night. It was *** from beginning to end.
Because of my illness, I have a hard time connecting with people, expressing myself verbally, and trusting people enough to talk to them. I feel very alone, and in someways, the idea of people watching me helps me cope. When I feel triggered, I speak out loud. I say ridiculous and often personal things. I feel I have to justify the fact that they've supposedly exposed my weaknesses and shortcomings>Â
I go to unhealthy chatrooms looking for companionship. Often I am put down, and I am so messed up that, once they go in on me, I am Lazer focused on it and cannot leave my computer. I've spent a lot of time reading and remembering all the lies and insults they wrote. I even quote them because I think they predict the future.
I do all of this because I am often isolated from people with the door closed in my room. I don't trust them, and I wish I had someone to talk to that's not my mom or sister. If anyone tries to talk to me in person, I think about why they're doing it. In fact, a co-worker disclosed personal information to me, and my first thought was he is trying to get more information to use against me.
I feel I will always be alone, and I honestly don't know how long I can tolerate that. Mix that with the physical pain of depression and I hope you realize that I am not lucky and I don't have it good. I have things, but I can't enjoy them, not by myself fully and definitely not with people. I am incapable of fixing these issues.
I used to have faith in God, but that is slipping. I feel the church I attend doesn't want me there; not only that, I've prayed and prayed and prayed for relief and it never comes. I prayed for people in my life, but I am still alone. The only comfort I feel lately is one day, it will all end, and ceasing to exist is better than what I am feeling right at this second. I'm not looking for pity, I am looking for help. I don't know how to fix this.
So sorry to hear you’re going through this Michael please be assured you’re not alone in the way you’re feeling and I really hope you can find a way through the darkness that you’re feeling right now and find some better times ahead although I realise when things are tough they’re real tough and it’s hard to come out of the dark into the light, there are many people on 7cups who care and I hope by talking that helps you a little in your journey I’m sending my thoughts and best wishes to you and of course I’m happy to listen to you as I’m sure many others on here are also.
@michaelR860 Anxiety and depression are so hard to deal with. They blur our reality and we believe it. It's hard to trust others when we didn't feel the trust and safety growing up. We learn things from actions done to us, so we learned neglect, distrust and fear. We are a product of our environments, but there is hope. For each one of us, the path will be different, our healing path will not be the same as others who also went through something very similar. I have PTSD from childhood trauma, and Bipolar 2. I get crippling anxiety and deep depressions where I am not the same person. I forget that I need to find treatments that can help, I think that there is no hope and I am a lost cause. Then I muster up all the strength that I have and see a doctor. I have hope back. I wish hope for you.Â
You're brave for coming here and expressing emotions and using your real picture. That takes courage. I have been able to overcome some fears in my life, but I was never able to use my real picture or tell people face to face of my darkest moments. To me, you are an inspiration.Â
Keep expressing your feelings and emotions, it's healthy. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if that is all that you can muster. I'm proud of you. Reach out to me if you'd like. May joy and peace surround you and that the light of hope flickers in your heart.Â
Dear Michael,
I have or am facing some of these same issues. As those replying have said, a lot of this probably stems from past traumas. Have you reached out for therapy/counselling? I started just last week and already am feeling some benefits, together with new medication. Maybe you would consider exploring why you have these feelings with a professional?
I’m also here to talk if you need to.
You're definitely not alone with how your are feeling. I have a lot of the same things that you described. It's very difficult and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. I isolate almost always. It's very lonely and feels necessary. Some professional help and the right meds can be very beneficial and talking to someone you feel safe talking to about it. I never mind listening or talking if you ever needed someone. You're doing great just keep pushing forward and working towards progress. You got this!