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michaelR860
713 M Little Steps
trying
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts76 Forum posts27 Forum upvotes38 Current upvotes38 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceJuly 21, 2023
Bio

Hello,

My name is Michael. I am someone who suffers from PSTD from high school trauma and Schizophrenia / Bipolar disorder. I am here to find a supportive group of people who understand what it's like to live like this. Some of the things I like to do for fun is play video games, watch movies TV, and listen to books. Right now, I am playing Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. The movies and TV shows I watch are somewhat unusual. I choose to watch anime, the way the stories are presented resonate more with me than other media forms. Currently re-watching some favorites like Ah! My Goddess!

Thank you for looking at my profile, and I hope to talk to you here.

😊






Recent forum posts
Going back to therapy
Trauma Support / by michaelR860
Last post
 January 13th
...See more I am going back to therapy and looking forward to finding new ways to handle my issues. With any luck, this will be the year I finally pick up the pieces and turn things around.
Victim of verbal abuse
Trauma Support / by michaelR860
Last post
 January 6th
...See more It's something I live with. I know I'll never most past it. In high school, I had a group of so-called friends who turned on me, persecuted, and ostracized me. Every day when I went to school, the person I trusted the most made this move. It affected me in way people do not fully understand or care to understand.  It was during this time that I was developing schizophrenia as well. So, on top of having a bunch of new scary things happening to me, I had to deal with bullying as well. It may not seem like a big deal, but I think each situation fed off one another. It didn't help that this same group of people tracked me down in my early 20s and got in my face and started a fight. I think about to this day, and when I do, I get violently angry, because I did nothing when it happened. I tried to get therapy for this, but nothing helps. I keep replaying and reliving what happened in high school over and over. When I am outside, I am hyper-vigilant. I can't focus on anything except for what people might say about me. I lash out because I don't want to be put back in that situation again. I don't want to feel helpless....like everyone either verbally hitting me or is egging strangers on to do the same.  I developed anger issues because of this, and all I want is retribution at any cost. I know I would have had schizophrenia anyway, but I 100% blame them, rightfully, for my violence tendencies and PTSD. I hate those people for what they did to me, and it pisses me off they get to lead normal lives and crapping on mine. It's not right, but I wish they could taste some of the medicine they dished out to me. I'm sorry if this is against policy, but I needed to get this out. 
I don't know what to do 🥲
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by michaelR860
Last post
 November 3rd, 2023
...See more ***TRIGGER WARNING*** Please skip this one if you are going through a hard time or you are sensitive to reading about common mental health outcomes and issues.   ------------ Lately, life has been very uncomfortable. From the outside looking in, people would tell me I have no room to complain. I have a loving mother and niece and sister, and I am surround by material things that should make life better. The fact is it doesn't. Things are better, my symptoms are better, and sometime I am happy to be living. 🙂. Even though I have modern comfort, I am tore up on the inside. When I go out, I think complete strangers are talking about me. I have severe anxiety thanks to everything that happened to me during my highschool years. I always, always, feel threatened. I never feel safe. Not at home, not at work, not around family. I feel there is always someone watching me. I recently had to go to the hospital and I feel the staff there purposely tried to aggravate my symptoms at night. It was *** from beginning to end. Because of my illness, I have a hard time connecting with people, expressing myself verbally, and trusting people enough to talk to them. I feel very alone, and in someways, the idea of people watching me helps me cope. When I feel triggered, I speak out loud. I say ridiculous and often personal things. I feel I have to justify the fact that they've supposedly exposed my weaknesses and shortcomings>  I go to unhealthy chatrooms looking for companionship. Often I am put down, and I am so messed up that, once they go in on me, I am Lazer focused on it and cannot leave my computer. I've spent a lot of time reading and remembering all the lies and insults they wrote. I even quote them because I think they predict the future. I do all of this because I am often isolated from people with the door closed in my room. I don't trust them, and I wish I had someone to talk to that's not my mom or sister. If anyone tries to talk to me in person, I think about why they're doing it. In fact, a co-worker disclosed personal information to me, and my first thought was he is trying to get more information to use against me. I feel I will always be alone, and I honestly don't know how long I can tolerate that. Mix that with the physical pain of depression and I hope you realize that I am not lucky and I don't have it good. I have things, but I can't enjoy them, not by myself fully and definitely not with people. I am incapable of fixing these issues. I used to have faith in God, but that is slipping. I feel the church I attend doesn't want me there; not only that, I've prayed and prayed and prayed for relief and it never comes. I prayed for people in my life, but I am still alone. The only comfort I feel lately is one day, it will all end, and ceasing to exist is better than what I am feeling right at this second. I'm not looking for pity, I am looking for help. I don't know how to fix this.
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