Losing Time?
A couple of months ago, people say I experienced a psicosis episode where I lost concept of time. I still hold it was more spiritual than delusional, but I wanted to ask if anyone has experienced something similar. During this time, I was using THC rather regularly. This was normal for me at the time because it helped me sleep after the use of my stimulants for ADHD and my work and school kept me in check in regards to tasks and time. When summer rolled around and I was still using THC - I think that's when things got complicated. I do lose track of time over the summer, because of the lack of tasks and commitments. I don't think this is unusual. I was, however, having trouble sleeping and eating. I think that because I had developed a tolerance to THC, sleeping became more difficult, and I have always had trouble eating bc of the stimulants and body dysmorphia. I focused more on trying to sleep than trying to eat, so I started listening to audiobooks to fall asleep and calm down. I was listening to my favorite book The Wise Man's Fear. Now, this book is all about the "Names of things" like being able to understand the wind to the point that you can call and command it - like you do people, for example. And since I'm listening to it as an audiobook, I started understanding a lot of things in the sense that I understood how and why words are spoken. It felt like I was connected to the universe and I understood exactly how words came to be. All of a sudden, it was like I could do math with words. I searched for tools to help me understand, and I found the wheel of emotions and applied theorems to understand the opposites of them. I drew maps and trianguled concepts with others. I don't know how to explain that the whole world suddenly made sense to me - no guess work at all. But time eluded me. The only map I didn't understand were calendars - they didn't make any sense. Like, why is October not the month number 8? I remember I went days or maybe weeks without sleeping properly trying to understand time. I felt rational and logical, just... distant from the world. That, and eating seemed like the worst idea in the world. I went to see a spiritual healer for help, but she said she wouldn't help me - and that kind of sent me into a spiral? It was as if my soul left my body and I had no control over what I was doing. I just wanted to sleep, but I couldn't find a way to sleep. A friend gave me sleeping pills, and while I do remember sleeping, they said I didn't sleep at all. They interned me in a psych ward and I swear, I got worse. Way worse. They didn't have clocks or mirrors or calendars or anything that would help me tell time. All they did was yell at me to do things, force me to eat, force me to shower, and yell awful things at me saying that I was a bad person who only bothered them. They gave me so many pills I was basically in sleep Paralysis the whole time. I kept saying that I needed to leave, that I had things to do back home. They told me I was aggressive, even though I couldn't hurt a fly... I was discharged out of pure luck, by a nurse who noticed that I kept getting worse as other nurses yelled at me and took measures so that they wouldn't keep doing that. After I left, I kept having this paranoid feeling that I would wake up back there in the cold with people yelling at me. I couldn't sleep for 3 days, afraid I'd wake up back there again. I stopped taking most of the meds they were giving me in the hospital, and slowly, I started to feel better. Slowly, time started making more sense and the days moved at a normal pace. It felt like I was trying to de-pavlov myself from what I was told to do at the psych ward. Slowly, I started using THC again and I felt so much more like myself. I had told the nurses and doctors that my diagnoses were depression and ADHD, but they didn't give me my regular meds. They gave me this whole different cocktail and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after only being there for a couple of days. The drugs they gave me made me feel crazy. When I started my zoloft and stimulants again, I started to feel more like me. As I slowly introduced THC again for sleep, I felt more competent and whole. I dont know, I just think that maybe the psicosis episode was just an episode where I forgot how to interpret time "properly". And that the hospital left me traumatized and made everything worse. Has anyone had a similar experience to this? Where doctors ignore previous diagnosis and just plow through regardless of your experience? Alternatively, has anyone felt like they exist in a place outside of time and have that affect the way you perceive and adjust to time?
@writingmagick404
I don't know much about psicosis. Loosing concept of time sounds overwhelming. I love that you took the approach to listen to audiobooks. I often do the same. That experience sounds so interesting. I can't imagine what it would have been like. During it, did you feel scared at all? While, understanding math and the way to world works all of a sudden, it must have been odd. I'm sorry that you had such a terrible experience in the psych ward. I do think doctors should listen to their patient and not ignore previous diagnosis.💜
Hi, I'm glad that the THC is helping with sleep. I think time is an interesting concept. I feel like it's nice to voice it out loud for me; that seems to help, overall. But yeah, I feel like it's a harsher thing if it's like the psych ward is added to it. I have experience with the psychiatric care. So I know the feeling of having no time in there. And now that I'm out, I'm experiencing it to be the gift, if that makes sense. I've always been on my own time, if that makes sense.Â