Spiraled after months (vent)

I am normally “stable” with a hot mess of anxiety and bouts of irritability. I’d say I’m fairly reasonable and patient most of the time and the only psychosis I have anymore is thought broadcasting.

Last night, I woke up at 4 am with anxiety that I hadn’t put away the Halloween decorations. Of course I had many days before. Then I got to thinking about Christmas. Then about our dinky tree.

I started looking online for Christmas trees. In the back of my mind I thought I shouldn’t buy one. It’s frivolous, but I really want one. I got it.

At 6:30 I made coffee and my husband got up for the bathroom. He greeted me and I couldn’t hold in my excitement about the Christmas tree. He seemed to care very little and walked away.

I completely lost it. We argued. I cried uncontrollably. I told him he’s defensive and can’t apologize. That I’m tired of fixing these fights and how I want to be crazy for once. How Christmas is important to me because I haven’t had a good one in many years.

He just kept saying he didn’t mean it and he wanted to see the tree. He told me I was unreasonable.

After my freak out we made up and I felt awful about it. I had no idea I would react that way. One second I was over the moon, the next I was beyond mad at him for everything he had ever done wrong.

We had bad feelings until after lunch when I dragged us all out for a hike. Then we made s’mores in the fire pit out back.

We turned the day around. I was scared for a moment we were broken. It’s very shocking to know things can take a turn so quickly like that when strong feelings take over suddenly.

He is a recovering addict and I want a sober Christmas. I want him to be excited for me when I’m happy but he seems annoyed or skeptical of my choices.

I didn’t know the tree meant that much to me. I snapped quickly without warning. I apologized all day. I felt terrible.