Spiraled after months (vent)
I am normally “stable” with a hot mess of anxiety and bouts of irritability. I’d say I’m fairly reasonable and patient most of the time and the only psychosis I have anymore is thought broadcasting.
Last night, I woke up at 4 am with anxiety that I hadn’t put away the Halloween decorations. Of course I had many days before. Then I got to thinking about Christmas. Then about our dinky tree.
I started looking online for Christmas trees. In the back of my mind I thought I shouldn’t buy one. It’s frivolous, but I really want one. I got it.
At 6:30 I made coffee and my husband got up for the bathroom. He greeted me and I couldn’t hold in my excitement about the Christmas tree. He seemed to care very little and walked away.
I completely lost it. We argued. I cried uncontrollably. I told him he’s defensive and can’t apologize. That I’m tired of fixing these fights and how I want to be crazy for once. How Christmas is important to me because I haven’t had a good one in many years.
He just kept saying he didn’t mean it and he wanted to see the tree. He told me I was unreasonable.
After my freak out we made up and I felt awful about it. I had no idea I would react that way. One second I was over the moon, the next I was beyond mad at him for everything he had ever done wrong.
We had bad feelings until after lunch when I dragged us all out for a hike. Then we made s’mores in the fire pit out back.
We turned the day around. I was scared for a moment we were broken. It’s very shocking to know things can take a turn so quickly like that when strong feelings take over suddenly.
He is a recovering addict and I want a sober Christmas. I want him to be excited for me when I’m happy but he seems annoyed or skeptical of my choices.
I didn’t know the tree meant that much to me. I snapped quickly without warning. I apologized all day. I felt terrible.
Those intense shifts from excitement to frustration can be overwhelming, especially when they catch you off guard. It's good to hear that you were able to turn the day around with a hike and some quality time together.
It seems like your excitement about the Christmas tree was genuinely important to you, carrying deeper emotional significance than you initially realized. Sometimes, our reactions can surprise us, and it's okay to have those moments of intensity. Apologizing and acknowledging those emotions show a lot of self-awareness and care.
Your desire for a meaningful, sober Christmas with your husband is understandable and valid. It might be helpful to have an open conversation with him about why this tree and the holiday season hold such significance for you. Sharing those feelings might help him understand your perspective better and bridge the gap between your excitement and his skepticism. Remember, it's okay to be enthusiastic about things that matter to you, even if others might not fully grasp the significance at first. What matters most is finding ways to communicate and understand each other's feelings and perspectives.
Warm regards,
Kal.
