falling apart

Hey there. I don't really know what to do, maybe posting here will help. I'm bipolar, with depressive episodes a lot more frequent in the past months than before despite meds, and the one last week was the worst one yet. I tried to kill myself about 4 times, sleeping all day, crying when awake, not eating, etc. I was completely alone, and still am.

I have a family and boyfriend, but they don't help me at all. My parents aren't even convinced that I have bipolar because I'm so afraid to be myself around them, let alone talk when I'm so close to the edge... My mother worries so much I can't even share with her everyday troubles, and my dad just makes things worse by denying my illness in the first place and blaming my depression on me. The only person I really trust is my boyfriend, but he can't handle dealing with depressed me... Each time he sees me in a bad state, he gets frightened, agitated, and ends up avoiding me. Not because he's a bad person. He's not. It's just very hard for him as well.

Some days, all I dream about it dying. Just leaving. I hate myself and everything that I make my life. But I can't. I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn't. And I don't want to make my mother cry...

I don't know how long I can keep that promise.