Working through a mental block, facing my fears of posting my problems.
At this point I don't know where this goes, what it's about, who I should talk to, but I'm unhappy and I have zero reason to be unhappy. I know this mood will pass like it always does... in a week I'll be back to the most happy girl in the world. They call me smiles. They call me Miss Positive. Man I'm a good actress. I should look into that. I'm somehow, in my other life, super funny too. They tell me I should do stand up. Man, I wish I could meet this girl, because it sure as hell does not feel like me.
Why do you need outside praise to feel validated? Do you work so hard just for compliments? If I don't have a constant stream of reassurance, I start to worry. I start to think no one likes me again, I have no friends again. No one calls me. No one likes me. But they like her, whoever this other girl is that I become once and a while. Why can I be her all the time? I know this will pass. I'll read this in a week and feel shameful for even writing or thinking it because the other girl has so much confidence and self esteem she would never talk poorly about herself. She has no issues, she's good at everything. Actually, maybe I'm the odd ball. Maybe she is who I'm suppose to be and who I am at this moment - the depressed, hopefully, empty, blank, pathetic, complainer - is who I am only sometimes.
I have no idea who I am. I don't know what I like, I don't know what my hobbies are. I don't think I have any. I just want to find ME and I don't care who I am, but I want it to be me. I'm trying so hard with all the motivational speeches and books, I try to start classes but lose interest.. I've started so many new projects, none of which I've finished. I don't feel worthy to share my thoughts and feelings and problems because I know someone has it worse than me. I know I'm lucky, I am the luckiest lady. It's pathetic that my feelings disappear like this and I feel empty, there is no rhyme or reason, no explaination. Even reading this back now, I don't know who wrote it, it seems unfamiliar to me just like all memories and conversations. I change so much, I am indecisive. I can pretend to be whoever I want, too. I can be seem as strong and independent. I can act like a leader and I can win. Maybe I just think I'm pretending. Can it be that I really AM strong, independent, a leader and a winner?!? I'm going to run with this idea and meditate. I feel better already.
And that's how you work through a fight with yourself.
@NeWoman
This completely resonates with me, but I struggle with the consistency surrounding positive thoughts to maintain the belief that I can win and be in control of those anxieties which you describe. I find that I am so needy and tend to smother those who genuinely show that they care and support to the point that ?I get angry at myself and convince myself that they must hate me even though I don't know what they are truly thinking and I don't want to ask for fear of rejection validated or upsetting them. I wish you well on your journey and hope that you are able to find the peace of mind and soul that you are looking for, I hope we both do. Take care. 🙂
@NeWoman You are her and she is you. We are amazing chameleons-- we Bipolar Sufferers. We "get" to be so many different versions of ourselves. That's the upside. The downside is that we "have" to be all of those different versions as well. We are fractured and multiplied in this way and feel somehow fragile and unwhole, despite the many "I"s we are.
@NeWoman Hello there! I have read one of your other post as well (about gradually reduce and to eventually, quit smoking). I think that was a very good strategy to keep in track. It shows some courage and willingness to "own" your plan. And reading this now, I admire you for your courage to be "out here", to be exposed especially our addictions, self-doubts and our need for support. This is very brave of you and yes, I believe you can be independent, a leader and a winner. Keep it up. 
