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NeWoman
3,649 M Seeking Light 2
PathStep 33 Compassion hearts235 Forum posts127 Forum upvotes152 Current upvotes152 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2017 Member sinceAugust 15, 2016
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Looking for a daily accountability buddy - Marijuana
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by NeWoman
Last post
 March 29th, 2018
...See more I'm still on the roller coaster. One day weed is an asset to my world and then next day it is a burden. I've tried to do this on my own, but I just can't seem to even make it a day. There's always an excuse... I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm nauseaous, I need it to start my day... Ugh. What makes me even more pissed off at myself is that I'm a personal trainer and I pound it into my clients that they CAN change and together we work on will power. It's like every time I'm ready to quit, the weed is my friend. I'll smoke and be ridiculously productive, have amazing work outs and get shit done and handled. Other days, it makes me sleepy, hungry and unmotivated. It's been years now. Years that I've been saying I want to quit and I am ashamed. Having it completely removed from the house is not an option as another person living here smokes and is unwilling to quit, I mean, it's their life, not mine, I can't ask them to anyways. So, I'm looking for a buddy. Someone who will sign on with me every day! Maybe someone who can be there when I want to smoke and need some help fighting the urge. I gotta try something new because doing this along is not working and we all know the definition of insanity right... doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. A little background about me for my potential new friend.. I'm a female, 27 and I've been smoking weed since I was 17. The first half, it was only here and there. Since I've been living with my boyfriend (4 years) it's been an every day, all day thing. We smoke first thing in the morning, all throughout the day, before we go to any event, we need it to sleep.. that's why i'm still awake lol. It's 11:40 pm my time and I'm normally falling asleep by 8:00. I was thinking of just trying cold turkey... but am I about to be awake all night right now!?!?! Dang.
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I'd love to feel free to let it all out. Looking for someone nonjudgemental.
General Support / by NeWoman
Last post
 October 18th, 2016
...See more I've tried to request a listener and no one has been available. Actually, that's not true.. someone replied once. One reply, so we didn't talk. I really need someone who mainly is nonjudgemental. I have bipolar disorder and so I have done some pretty awful things, but it would be nice to get them off my chest for once. I'm always too afraid to talk about my problems... I'm actually a really good listener!! Haha. (I'm not a 'listener' on 7 cups, for the record.) Most of my life I have just pushed every problem I've ever had under the rug and covered it up with the happiest looking life I could imagine. People actually tell me I'm the happiest person they know. I would laugh on the inside, but I'm mostly too depressed to feel anything anyways. My autopilot is amazing. I think a big problem I have is acutally getting things out. It feels like I never have anything to say, but then kick myself for not saying anything because I WANT HELP!!!! Then this happens.. I feel like my problems aren't a big deal and there are so many people that have it worse than myself, like I am not worthy. I've also tried to erase this message too many times, like I always do, but none of you know me, so I'm posting it anyways. Theres another thing.. apparently I'm ridiculously afraid of what people think about me.
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Working through a mental block, facing my fears of posting my problems.
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by NeWoman
Last post
 October 27th, 2016
...See more At this point I don't know where this goes, what it's about, who I should talk to, but I'm unhappy and I have zero reason to be unhappy. I know this mood will pass like it always does... in a week I'll be back to the most happy girl in the world. They call me smiles. They call me Miss Positive. Man I'm a good actress. I should look into that. I'm somehow, in my other life, super funny too. They tell me I should do stand up. Man, I wish I could meet this girl, because it sure as hell does not feel like me. Why do you need outside praise to feel validated? Do you work so hard just for compliments? If I don't have a constant stream of reassurance, I start to worry. I start to think no one likes me again, I have no friends again. No one calls me. No one likes me. But they like her, whoever this other girl is that I become once and a while. Why can I be her all the time? I know this will pass. I'll read this in a week and feel shameful for even writing or thinking it because the other girl has so much confidence and self esteem she would never talk poorly about herself. She has no issues, she's good at everything. Actually, maybe I'm the odd ball. Maybe she is who I'm suppose to be and who I am at this moment - the depressed, hopefully, empty, blank, pathetic, complainer - is who I am only sometimes. I have no idea who I am. I don't know what I like, I don't know what my hobbies are. I don't think I have any. I just want to find ME and I don't care who I am, but I want it to be me. I'm trying so hard with all the motivational speeches and books, I try to start classes but lose interest.. I've started so many new projects, none of which I've finished. I don't feel worthy to share my thoughts and feelings and problems because I know someone has it worse than me. I know I'm lucky, I am the luckiest lady. It's pathetic that my feelings disappear like this and I feel empty, there is no rhyme or reason, no explaination. Even reading this back now, I don't know who wrote it, it seems unfamiliar to me just like all memories and conversations. I change so much, I am indecisive. I can pretend to be whoever I want, too. I can be seem as strong and independent. I can act like a leader and I can win. Maybe I just think I'm pretending. Can it be that I really AM strong, independent, a leader and a winner?!? I'm going to run with this idea and meditate. I feel better already. And that's how you work through a fight with yourself.
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