Can you help me help her?
Hey everyone!
I was hoping you could give me a hand with this one. First, the basics - many, many years ago, I met a girl. She had been through a lot, and back then I promised I'd never leave her feeling alone (as opposed to people she often met, who used to be all nice, and drop her sooner than later). The problem is, she's bipolar; in the past, she'd often call me the best guy ever, and other times she'd call me every bad name in the book.
Now, scroll to 2015. I had a stroke and I asked her to keep me company for a few days; instead, she got mad, and told me "The sooner this disease you supposedly have takes you to your grave, the better". In the hospital, it was found out that I have a degenerative disease that is destroying my muscles and my brain. And yet, I forgave her.
A few months later, I had visited her a few times and everything was okay. I asked to visit her on her birthday (she always spends it alone), she let me do it, only to, in the exact day itself, decide otherwise. I felt devastated, I asked her how could she care so little about me, and she answered me something I felt was horrible - "Unless my grandmother dies [i.e. the person who raised her], I don't care about anything". I forgave her, but I did warn her those words were very dangerous.
A month later, one of her kitty cats got sick, with feline panleukopenia. I did literally everything I could to help her, but the cat ended up dying. She did not speak to me for a day, and then, she told me she had decided to stop talking to a bunch of people - myself included. That I had done nothing wrong, she was simply deciding this, for undisclosed reasons. I became devastated, wrote her and her grandmother a farewell letter, and... she came back to talk to me, as if nothing had happened. I got really sad about it, and asked her not to talk to me until she can apologize.
Doctors don't know how much longer I'll last, and I felt I couldn't take this anymore, hence the farewell letter. I was not abandoning her, I was trying to do what was best for me. But... I feel scared, not for me but for her. I don't want her to wake up one day and feel like she wasted all her life. Once, she even told me she feels she doesn't deserve to be happy, and so, when she is getting happy, she finds it strange and causes trouble on her own, for example, breaking up relationships. Last time I heard of her, she broke up with her long-term boyfriend (4 years, I think?), met a new guy, and moved together with him in about 3 months, which you may perhaps recognise as a not-so-good idea. I haven't been talking with her, but... this worried me, because this likely won't end up good.
Can I help this girl? Can you help me help her?
@AFollowerofPlato
Hello.
First off, based on the sotry you just told; you seem to be doing a pretty good job of being her friend (above and beyond), lesser people (esp. me) would have walked away quite a long time ago. And if I'm getting the story right, she moved in with another person whom she just met, isn't in regular contact with you and you still worry. Bravo mate, I think she's failing to see her guardian angel is you.
The thing about guardian angels is though, that people always do overlook them. People fail to attribute certain things and events to them. And in this case its happening to you as well. But you said she's bipolar, so you can't hold it against her.(Or you can, not here to tell you how you should be feeling).
She is making some wrong decisions but as the other person who posted here has said, you can't help a person unless they decide to help themselves 1st. I'm not saying you should stop trying (keep up the good fight if you want but also be aware of your own health) but just realise and don't be disappointed when she pushes you away again or makes more bad decisions. (things which seem like bead decisions now but who knows may be through her haphazardness, she stumbles into a good thing. God or the Universe (etc.) works in mysterious ways.
She can't be reasoned with. Or maybe, 1 side of her can but the other can't and since she waffles between the 2 you can't really (or rather she can't really) stand on firm ground until she decides to. Its not your fault, you're a good person for trying.
But take care of your health as well. If you have a flair for theatrics and/or douchebaggery, tell her you have X amount of time left. See what she does then. But again, this is some movie-level deception.
Some other thing, if this already isn't a thing, you could tell her to *regularly* see a psychiatrist or psychologist or social worker or whatever resource is available to you.
All the best.
@exampligratia
Yours is an interesting answer, thank you. The biggest problem is that I find it difficult to cope with the way she acts; in some moments of her life, she feels terribly alone (as she once admitted to me), and when that happens she, apparently, comes talking to me. And in those moments, I get to see how horrible some things are, from her own standpoint.
It would be too easy to just go away. It'd be too easy to just forget. It'd be too easy to use all this, all the things she's done to me, as an excuse to throw her away once and for all - she's the one to blame, and that's undeniable. But, at the same time, I truly believe we owe it to other human beings to do the best we can for them, when they're not at their best themselves.
Once, for example, I tried to get her into a clinic. I offered to pay for all of it, and I even decided to check myself into the clinic, too (as I told her back then, I wouldn't ask her to do anything I wouldn't do myself). She rejected it, and as far as I can tell, she really doesn't want to become better.
And... honestly speaking, it scares me. I'm deeply sorry that, one day, I may die and she ends up alone in the world. That, one day, she may wake up in the morning and realize that I was right all along, that she needed help, and that there is nobody there anymore to help her. She is a good person, but... the fact she often behaves harshly make it hard for me to stay, to help. Once, for example, she herself was sick; I just wanted to sit by her side, feed her some chicken soup and tell her some stories. She rejected this; next day, she didn't talk to me, despite the fact I tried to contact her several times... only for her to get really mad when I decided to go search for her, as I was worried. Does this make any sense?!
Another time, she said she was 1400€ in debt, due to the treatment of a previous cat of hers. I was in the hospital at the time, but I offered her that money - be sure to notice the word I used, "offered", not "lent"! - and... instead, she became mad at me. She never even thanked me, she just became mad, and gave me all sorts of insults. Shouldn't this be the real duty of someone who cares about her, the one of trying to make hers a better life?!
In a nutshell... even if she doesn't want to be helped, is there really nothing we can do? Should I just sit back, wait for her to burn and fall down like the Icarus of the myths?
@AFollowerofPlato Unfortunately, no, there is nothing you can do but wait for her to come around and get help, or continue to not do that. Ultimately, it's her choice. It's very brave of you to be there for her, but this is a waiting game.
The heathiest thing you could do for yourself, and for her, is to be available should the day she decides to get help come to pass.
That's probably frustrating to hear, but speaking as someone with Bipolar Disorder, I have been on both sides of the equation. And it's always going to hurt.
Good luck.
@ladylazarus1971
Again, your answer makes sense, but let me share a different story.
Many years ago, I met a 40-something woman and she told me about all her worries. Then, as we were talking... she asked to hug me, and started crying. Later, she told me this happened because her life would have been very different if she had met me many years before, if she had heard my recent words all those years before, and now she regretted many of her past actions.
Now, this is precisely what I'm trying to prevent with the girl I mentioned in this topic. I don't want her to wake up on day, on her 40s, with a kid, left with ten ended relationships, completely broken in her heart, and saying "wow, that guy was right all along". I don't want her to cry that day. I don't want her to feel bad. And if I just sit back, it's as if I was giving up, as if I too was part of the problem.
Is there really nothing I can do?
@AFollowerofPlato No, honey, there really isn't. Just being a consistent/constant aspect of her life actually does make a difference for her. Believe me. <3
