2022 10 10 - Three items for my therapist (TW: Alcohol, Porn)

TW: Alcohol, Porn

3 ITEMS FOR THE THERAPIST

Yesterday I was spent and needed complete rest hoping rejuvenation would come soon but also just leaning into the rest. I spent the morning just doing simple low-energy tasks like feeding my dog and cat, making coffee, playing Wordle, journaling, and being lazy in general. I made a simple breakfast and took my meds.

I realized too that I was low emotionally and kind of spent. My interactions with people both off and online were few and pretty non-emotional. At one point, I got really down and actually fell asleep on the sofa…at 11 am! I thought I must have been exhausted, but then after talking to a few online buddies I realized a few other things were going on.

I was feeling sad. My daughter and her wife are having a hard time in their relationship and told us so. I dog-sat Cher, my dog-in-law, for the weekend, and while it was lovely she was a constant reminder to me that my kids are going through a rough patch. I somehow felt responsible without a clear reason why. I felt like my own growing up process when I hit 40 and was cycling pretty drastically through now what I know to be bipolar could not have been good on my kids. These are the shame loops that roll through my head, and were rolling through my head yesterday morning, over and over. Item #1 to discuss with Renee when I see her tomorrow.

Another issue is my drinking. Before my DJ event on Saturday I had 6 beers throughout the afternoon from 11am to 4pm. During the DJ event, they had an open bar and I had 5-6 glasses (3 oz) of wine. I felt fun and flirty and in charge.

It was a 5 hour party, so by the time 10:30 pm rolled around the buzz had pretty much worn off as I drank water, too. I left for home, and had to wind down with some porn in order to sleep.

Fast forward back to Sunday, I woke up feeling low, and think the alcohol had something to do with it. My psych doc wants me to reduce my alcohol level because she says it reduces the power of the Lamictal. She’s appealing to my logic, but I find I don’t really care. I let my feelings run my life a lot.

So, I am processing how to feel good about reducing my alcohol intake and if I really want to feel better. I like how I feel when I am buzzed; I like the fact that the thoughts in my head are calm; I like how I can help people have a good time by being extroverted, assertive, and in the now without regrets of the past and fear of the future plaguing me. But I think it’s catching up to me the morning after. Item #2 to talk to Renee about.

My mood started to gradually improve after about 1pm on Sunday and I started to feel naturally happy again. I could focus on getting my meal planning and grocery shopping done again.

I spent more time writing to my friend, Judy, who is walking with me in our bipolar journey. I am hopeful that talking about these issues from the heart with a friend who gets me will help me in the long run.

I ordered Chinese food and my wife had a positive mental connection through conversation over dinner. She said she felt connected to me, and while I agree that our minds were, I was surprised a bit because I don’t feel that. I think we have two different ways of being satisfied that we are connected; one through the head and one through the heart. After years of therapy, I don’t seem to be able to break through this barrier with her. I am left feeling shame for not being able to meet her mental connection needs, and I won’t ask if she does too because that feels like rejecting something she loves about our relationship. Item #3 to talk to Renee about.

So, yeah, it’s a lot. Probably more than 1 session with Renee LOL. Probably more like 1 year’s worth of sessions.