I am sorry to read that you both struggle with not having a community around you. I have at times due to moves or live events found myself in a place where I needed to gather new tribe members.
I think an imoortant thing I learned oerhaps a bit later than normalnin life is to hod back and move slower and not to overwhelm others. This also gives me time to ibserve for sny red flags I might miss if I dive in.
Also scaling relationships gradually let's me have some at different levels and be okay of they stay there. This makes things so much h less awkward because I find the comfortable level and accept that. When I used to dive in I overwhelmed folks, ir was too intense. Now I ha e different people at different places and types of friendship.
I don't see a friendship being super surface level as a failure or as being rejected. It just is what it is. For example I ha e hobby group friends and we don't go outside the hobby in our shared interest. I used to feel like that was rejection or something and that it was too superficial. I now see it as a limit to the gift of friendship they have to offer, it's simply the degree to which two different people can interface socially. It's an acceptance not a rejection of our differences. I am never entitles to more than they choose to give.
I have other folks I am TMI with on some topics as we share some more intense experiences. Yet I don't socialize with them much. More like mutual support group or something.
Then there're closer folks I don't live near but we visit each other when we can and keep in touch via telephone and such between. These long term friends are deep despite distance and infrequent face to face visits.
I hope you both find a way to find your friends and community around you. And that you will feel less lonely.
