Issues with coming off as less insensitive?
So hi all its been a while since I've been here and it seems like I'm still having some issues regarding communication with me and my parents unfortunately, It all feels like it's the same weird cycle where for a month or so things are fine but then I accidentally say something insensitive I then realize how I might've come off as a jerk and despite me owning up to my mistake a few minutes later "the apology doesn't count" and after that there's the same process of them talking about respect followed with them threatening to kick me out and the tension is well tense for the next few hours or day before they forget again. I feel like I'm torn like I'm walking on eggshells and don't wanna come off as being a jerk while using my disability as an excuse when I'm actively trying to do the opposite so any advice would be helpful
Have you spoken to your parents about this issue at a time when you haven't said something that upsets them? When everyone is in a better mood you might have a productive conversation.
Well after me getting temporarily kicked out and making it to my brother's house after a huge argument/fight yeah we had a talk my mom understood that do to my "condition" that I ended up having a mental break down which caused what happened and while she and my dad forgave me I'm staying at my brother's for a week or 2 for some classes I'm going to attend which are easier to access on this side of town
I have the same issue and it doesn't help that I have more then 30+ long list of b.s that come from my Dad (who I also thinks has autism) and my sister (unclear if she might have autism as well but she's not a sticker for time because she will be late getting home when she's coming to visit)
b.s from my Dad and sister being insensitive jerks towards me since I was at least 11 years old.
@Lonewolf360
hi I know exactly what this is like
you shouldn't have to feel like you're walking on eggshells
if you're trying your best and your apologies are consistently being rejected then it sounds like they might be creating drama to make you feel bad
here's how I would de-escalate in this situation:
when someone says you've done something wrong, stay calm, apologise for it once and then just let them say whatever they want to say and don't say anything else until they've finished, and then just say "ok" and walk away
if they want to keep talking at you (not to you), then you know that their goal is to create drama and your response should be like a statue until they run out of steam
if they really want you to say something, you just calmly say "ok" and nothing else, always remaining calm
eventually they will get the message that you're not going to let them manipulate you
Well me and my folks talked for a bit and I explained how things are from my perspective and how I don't intentionally try to escalate things but stuff still slips out so I'm working on trying to improve that and have been at my brother's house after a big argument resulted in me getting kicked out for a day they said I can come back but I'm using my time here to detox and reflect along with attending some classes
I have had this same thing happen many times before I got diagnosed and it was always so frustrating and made me so sad afterward. In the workplace, I had to learn to control saying something insensitive accidentally or impulsively, but sometimes I couldn’t, and that ended up having negative consequences,
Since being diagnosed 2 years ago, I have tried to pay attention to when I am likely to say something insensitive, to see if there are patterns. So that I can avoid being in the situation in the first place. I have learned that, for me, the danger is when I start to feel disregulated — too much of ANY emotion, even happiness. I can do something I will regret later, When I feel myself starting to get disregulated, I try to pause and recenter. Sometimes that means walking away, but sometimes I can do it in the moment. It’s helped tremendously. Although I still do it sometimes, others know that I’m trying.
This makes it so I’m not paying attention to others (“walking on eggshells”), and instead I’m paying attention to myself.
One thing that could be helpful if things DO escalate into a tense moment is if you don’t let yourself be pulled into a conversation about what you said. Say you need time to calm down, or find balance, etc. That could make them more angry in the moment, but it’s ok for you to say that you really want to be able to talk to them and you can’t do that while you are upset.
@Lonewolf360 I can’t imagine how challenging it must be to have to pick up on social cues and halt impulses, to keep the relationship with your parents in a balanced state. Dealing with condition is always on a learning curve and your introspection, knowledge I am sure helped a lot to navigate the murky waters. I am encouraged for you that your parents were able to hear you out. You did it. Even though you had to temporarily remove yourself from you parents home, you stepped back in and advocated for yourself and changed the situation. Communication is so key to stability in relationships. I am sure it took real gumption to confront your parents after the disagreement. After it was all said and done I am sure your parents had an appreciations for your honesty. Do you think your goal was accomplished and the likely hood of any future occurrences will not leave you misunderstood by your parents? A healthy family dynamic is essential in overcoming social barriers. Do you agree?
Well seeing my parents after the argument did feel odd even when I went back to my house on two separate occasions it felt weird because I still vividly remembered the event that caused to me getting kicked out and it's taken me longer than normal to process it compared to how I normally do things, but I hope that for the most part when I do eventually go back that I don't Have to deal with tensions that high and that I go back into a state of normalcy without the drama considering that when I did talk to my folks they admitted to missing me being around and that our conversations didn't result in any misunderstandings and if anything they were alot more enthusiastic/sympathetic. And about social barriers I'm not too sure about that because while my family has been good to me for the most part I always fell into the more introverted side of things and have always been selective with the people I consider as friends and such other then that I'm not that good with people lol
@Lonewolf360 Sounds like it was a situation that left a lingering effect for you. Was your apprehension because you imagined you would walk into the same scenario and it would further affect your relationship with your parents? Staying in the here and now can be extremely difficult if there have been repeated situations that turned hurtful in the past. It might cause a person to have automatic defense mechanisms that leave the person to say things they really don’t mean. Do you imagine this to be the case for you?
Normally when I get into a tough situation I rather have a tendency between lashing out after high emotions being built up or emotionally shutting down but as for the lingering feelings I'm not sure how to describe them
@Lonewolf360 that makes sense a both lashing out and shouting down are natural survival reactions. They are apart of the fight, flight, freeze and fawn response. Depending on your perceptions and internal dialog going on you will experience one of the four. It is hard to half these automatic responses, but if you can Identify them when they surface then you might be able to make a cognitive change. You can also as mentioned above set boundaries with people teach them how to treat you like having the conversation with your parents or excuse yourself and walk away temporarily until you have time to recollect your emotions. You did this by removing yourself from the situation and taking an option to stay somewhere else for the time being, but you can take action before those hurtful words come flying out. It is difficult when emotions are running high to step back and instead of lashing out and offer respect and compassion by letting loved ones know you want to work this through with them, but need time recollect your thoughts. Have you ever worked on cognitive skills before?
@coolvibes shutting down not shouting
@coolvibes halt not half
Can't say I'm familiar with the concept
@Lonewolf360 would you be interested in learning how it works?
Never hurts to learn so sure why not
@Lonewolf360 https://www.7cups.com/help-managing-emotions/
This will help guide you through CBT some. I hope you find it helpful. It will help in getting you in a neutral state of mind, so you can be calm.
Well I got to read over it a bit before I left for this class that I attend, it gave me some state of mind tips that I ended up taking into consideration when it comes to some stuff that I dealt with in the past and for some good news right after I had a lil panic attack from dropping my phone mid bike ride I overall ended up having a good time and even won at bingo twice kinda made me wanna rethink my mindset of things being all doom and gloom :)
@Lonewolf360 hmmm, I really want to respond to what you shared , but this forum is kinda doing weird things with the text. I am going to see if I can get it fixed. You are always welcomed to message me if you would like to hear my reply. Hopefully they will get this thing straightened out.
Seems Reasonable
@Lonewolf360 okay, the thread is alright on my desktop, so I will give it a go. having moments of accomplishment and being able to enjoy something is real important, you are correct in your assessment that it is a reminder that not all situations are going to turn out awful. their are going to be days when you find yourself replaying old tapes and it might be hard to reflect on those good times, so applying the new skill you have been introduced to will give you a back-up to help combat those intense emotions. are you on the autistic spectrum?
Yes i am aspergers or aspie level one along with adhd
@Lonewolf360 okay, thanks, so you have sensory issues, along with a challenge with social cues, is this correct?
As long as my memory counts yeah pretty much
@Lonewolf360 Do you think that being able to apply this new skill will help cognitively by pass the sensory flood and having to interpret social cues? you are having to navigate a whole bunch of issues with these conditions and any learned sabotaging messages from people and in effective coping mechanism. Everyone has their baggage they carry in life, so you are not alone in this, but I am sure that does not make going about your day any easier.
@coolvibes well for me it feels situational sorta,most the time i try to keep a positive mindset and attitude towards things and depending how things go i can look back on the dayand go like yeah that was good and with the help journaling it helps reflect on things but in case things get bad it's almos like a switch goes off in my head where it's hard to navigate and find a positive outcome. but i hope that i'll be able to apply the skill alot more in the future regardless
@Lonewolf360 when you practice the cognitive skill, it might not necessary make your day happier, but instead place you in a neutral zone, so you can access logic. Can you see where being able to do this would replace the all or nothing thinking? I really hope you do find it helps and would be interested to here your struggles and your success with it if they surface. talk to yoou later. thank you for sharing and being open.