Duality of dealing with senses.

Sensory issues are getting so annoying.

Not diagnosed with ASD, but I suspect myself on being on the autism spectrum. I can't really bring myself to speak up about personal matters to persons in real life.

I always struggled with sensitive hearing, with the most traumatic experience being "a colorful evening" on camp of elementary school. They set such loud music with those low basses that vibrated the ground, a lot of colorful lights probably... Everyone seemed happy, and they smiled, it seemed very creepy. I hid under a table at that time and cried.

Now I get those flashbacks each time hearing music with a low bass that is loud enough to make the ground shake, when being too close to a speaker spouting atrocious sounds, I cover my ears and people look at me like I'm crazy, and if I walk away (if given the option), I'm a party pooper.

Loud places in general are really tiring, from loud transport (like Metro) to canteens with lots of people.

Being too long in loud places takes away any tone in my voice I work so hard for, and people then often comment about me talking not loud enough, and talking like a damn robot, when I'm trying my very best to talk in a full sentence at all.

I considered getting headphones, only the ones that can cover your ear entirely, not squishing it somewhere in the middle, but I don't want to show up suddenly with those, especially in front of my parents, I feel awkward wearing it. Earplugs are also a no, because they block the air flow in my ears, it feels really uncomfortable.

Also something I developed over the years is to be very vigilant at all times, I use my hearing to position people in space, to know if there is someone too close behind me, which makes me uncomfortable too, and at home to hear how my parents go up the stairs, and make mental preparation to have them bursting in through my door. When reducing noise, it also makes me feel unsafe, because I cannot be fully informed of my surroundings that way.

Recently I also began to struggle with light, sudden brightness changes are painful physically, and light is just... too bright. For outside, I tried sunglasses but the way sunglasses cut in your ears while resting, and how those arms of glasses slightly tighten up on your head gives me a headache.

When experiencing sensory overload from both sides, or just being tired in general, it's like vision becomes an abstract mixture of moving colors, seeing everything and nothing at the same time.

I feel like going outside is just a follow-up of me trying to manage my senses. Blocking out the one, means dealing with another, I just can't.

Thank you for sitting through these complaints.

Suggestions for coping are appreciated.