Pushing people away
Hi everyone! I'm new :)
Lately I've been thinking about the way I push people away. I've had social anxiety since my teenage years and my progress fluctuates. I was actually making some progress before the pandemic but, as many of you here have also experienced, lockdown has made my anxiety worse.
Anyway, lately I've noticed a pattern with my social interactions that maybe have to do with social anxiety in a way, but I think they're also due to impostor syndrome.
I moved abroad about a year ago and before the pandemic I was putting myself out there, going to events and meeting people. I wasn't going out every night or staying out too late but I made sure to sign up for events once or twice a week. However, I never managed to make actual friendships. And it's because I feel comfortable keeping all my social interactions at a superficial level. I can manage introductions and small talk, but when people want to hang out again and things start to get closer and personal, I disappear. I even do this with friends and family more often that I'd like to admit.
Don't get me wrong, I hate being like this. I feel like I've let a lot of people down and that I'm not there when friends and family need me the most.
I think deep down I still see myself the way I did when I was 15: ugly, unlikeable, the girl with no friends who spent recess alone hiding behind cars in the parking lot, reading. I feel like my being pleasant and funny around other people is just a facade, and that when they get to know me they'll see how unlikeable I am. So maybe I push them away before they have the chance to see that.
In a way, I feel like all my achievements are just the result of luck. Like the only thing I'm good at is bullshitting. Like I've managed to con everyone into thinking I'm a good person and talented at what I do, and they just need to spend more time with me to see it. So, I don't keep in touch with friends and family. I don't make new friends. I don't network with prospective clients and colleages like I should if I want to achieve my professional goals and one day move out of my mother's couch.
Rationally, I know that this isn't true. So many people can't be wrong. I'm not that good of a liar, anyway. If so many people (professors, colleagues, managers, clients, friends and family) have had faith in me, then they can't ALL be wrong, right? I must be doing something well. But why do I still feel like a fake and a liar? Why do compliments and the encouragement I get from people don't feel true? For example, no matter how much my supervisor tells me I'm doing a good job and that I'm an important part of the team, I still feel like I'm terrible at my job and that I'm going to get fired one of these days.
Anyway, I was thinking about this because I think it's partly where the social anxiety comes from. If people get close to me, then they will see me the way I see myself.
I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way. Has anyone overcome something like this?
@feraljane
Hello! I've gone through a very similar experience myself, and I know how tough it can be to deal with all of this. I was able to personally work through my imposter syndrome, although it took some time! It's important to remember that sometimes outside validation can't make you really believe you're doing a good job, your validation also has to come from yourself! You're deserving of everything that you've achieved in your life, and it's good to remind yourself of that once in a while! Remember to be kind to yourself, and if you wouldn't say it to a friend, then don't say it to yourself. Our thoughts and inner monolouge and closely related to our emotions and how we percieve oursleves. If you work on changing your thoughts one day at a time, or work on recognizing when you're have negative thoughts, the way you see yourself, and your social interactions will change as well (with time of course)! 
@sophiasanae Hi there! Thanks for your reply :) I do admit I can be a bit too hard on myself sometimes and forget that just because those feelings are intense it doesn't mean they're true. I haven't won the Nobel prize or anything but the things I have achieved have something to do with hard work, talent, and persistence rather than pure luck.
@feraljane
wow, I am the same way... one theory I looked into was that it might be having a avoidant attachment style? I push others away before they push me away, because it is guaranteed to happen. My bf seems to have anxiety attachment style of bonding and they are the ONLY person that tries so hard to get to know me. Our relationship has helped me "open up more". Compliments just feel phoney somehow, I too can't accept them as easily because I don't accept them on myself. I fake "thank you" though because it's a polite gesture, i suppose. The bit about fear of being fired is funny to me... I've been employee of the month and still afraid i'll get fired. I like to think I am just reserved, there's nothing bad with it. As long as you have your inner peace, don't worry about "fitting" in or being like everyone else. It might just be an introverted quality. Maybe it is social media having everyone think that they can juggle keeping tabs on so many friends too. It is just too much work. It's nice to just meet people and let them come and go like the water current in a stream.
So far I haven't gone to any therapist but I know that I never connected deeply with people much after nonstop disappointments from "friends" and family. Also growing with constant mind games from my mom ( possibly bi-polar codependent) and my father (narcissist) made me have to protect myself and not trust them with how I feel/ think.