Morbid anxiety

45.single.male, and no children here from the USA...

I think my psychologist gave up on me, she would probably say she didn't but made the mistake of putting the responsibility on me to schedule my next appointment and that was the only excuse I needed to say adios. Had she said okay we will meet again in two weeks, fine I probably would have made the appointment.

Anyhow.

I have a lot going on mentally,  I have a social anxiety disorder, and a co-dependency problem (my therapist said she couldn't help me or tell me what to do about a certain situation because that just feeds into my co-dependency which made sense but sucked.) I have PTSD, and I have a problem with passive suicidal ideation ( the only good thing is when I did have a severe psychotic breakdown, and I owned a shotgun, not once did I go for it. so I take that reflection to mean I'll just end up being homeless rather than ending it because I can't put the few loved ones I have into pain from ending it).

I am taking positive steps to fix myself, but I am not enjoying the process. By the end of Feb, I'll have a gastric bypass surgery, and hopefully, by July I should be down 80 lbs or more and by the end of the year I should be down by 100 lbs or maybe even a tad more. Once the weight is down to where I am comfortable I'll probably take an acting class and/or a public speaking class to combat my social anxiety disorder. Once I have done that, I will put my home on the market, because I have become a financial burden on my father as he has been financially supporting me too long. And I am going to split the sale of the house to find some land to put a shipping container home on a 40ft. and hopefully either get solar power or a water well and use the rest to start my own business I can either own and have other run or just run myself.  I am leaning towards selling coffee and having a small cafe-ish, eventually. But I dabbled with the idea of buying a roaster and a teardrop trailer to sell coffee from or just do a trailer. again depends on $.

Sounds exciting but it isn't. Sounds positive, but it isn't. It is extremely risky because I have one shot to make it work. I do not have a backup plan, and I am not a business person. I have been doing research, I know about margins, I know about taxes, permits, etc for everything I want to do.

I got an idea if I do manage to scrounge up a small cafe to partner with a willing chef to make a small morning-to-brunch menu. Because coffee alone for a cafe doesn't really make it a cafe does it?

so the time line to make it all happen is about 3-5 years.

I guess I need to start planning on a backup plan which boom here it is, when everything fails, business-wise, sell everything, and then use that money to sustain wherever I am living, by I guess getting the other half of what I need between solar and a well, whichever I don't have to get the other and boom no more utilities at least.

The biggest issue I want to work on, between now and after the surgery is getting into public speaking/acting classes, and socializing to a point where I am meeting single people my age range, which can hopefully help lead me to finding having a woman in my life.

The problem is I am doing this all alone. My family and friends are too old or too busy to be in my life daily, and the only motivator to do anything is the fact that my dad is paying too much for me to live in the family home.

If I can't get over my social anxiety, can't handle running a business, and can't handle moving, I don't know what I'll do. Part of me does hope for WWIII, my brother and his family live in Europe and that would give me a reason to sell everything and go to Europe to protect my brother and his family. It would mean getting off the rest of my meds, but I could do it. An just live long enough to make sure my brother and his family are safe.

But I suspect what will happen is a total failure, no WWIII to bail me out of the rest of my life, just a failed business attempt, a failed attempt to live on my own, and me living homeless in an RV till I end up out in the woods where authorities can't find me and chase me away. With my siblings just pitying me and wishing they could help me but don't know what to do and we will pray for you.

At least I won't be working for stupid MFers anymore and be micromanaged and I'll be at the top of the food chain in my own tiny world for a micro-moment before it comes crashing down.

Just sharing,

not looking for any gee whilikers good vibes what an exciting adventure you are going to have comment. Cause the reality is I am living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from or end any time soon. An there is zero chance I am going to find a woman who will want me for me as I am and want to take this kind of risk with me, because it is just too friggin bananas.

Sad, lonely, scared and done with life, and I am giving it one last push before I say no more.