Members Community Discussion -The Fear of Judgement
When I was younger, I never cared what anyone thought of me. I was the most care-free four year old and the way everyone should be, honestly. But eventually when I became aware that people were making fun of me just for being myself, I began to care what everyone thought of me. What my family, friends, teachers, neighbors, and everyone thought of me really made care. I had social phobia. Luckily, this only lasted a few months until I figured out I shouldn?t care what anybody else thinks about me.I am a big advocate on this because it?s not just the fear of judgement, judgement leads to bullying and so many other horrible things. My goal is to open people?s eyes to understand they were put here for a reason and they are perfect the way they are.
?Social phobia- (n)- Social phobia, also called Social Anxiety Disorder, is an anxiety disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations.The duration is at least 6 months to the fear, anxiety, or avoidance is persistent, typically lasting 6 or more months. The rest of the diagnostic definition remains the same.?
People with social anxiety disorder usually experience significant emotional distress in the following situations:
? Being introduced to other people
? Being teased or criticized
? Being the center of attention
? Being watched while doing something
? Meeting people in authority ("important people")
? Most social encounters, especially with strangers
? Going around the room (or table) in a circle and having to say something
This list is certainly not a complete list of symptoms -- other feelings may be associated with social anxiety as well.
?It?s taken me years to realize I can break that all down. I can choose not to assume that people are judging me, thinking they?re better than me. I can assume people see the best in me?as I?m able to see in them when I stop obsessing about myself.
Does this mean no one will ever feel superior or judge? Not at all?though it?s possible that when they do, they?ll be standing behind their own heap of insecurities, wanting to feel more assured but knowing no other way to do it.?
These are some thoughts that someone with social phobia/anxiety might think about:
"It?s just easier to avoid social situations."
"I would freeze up every time I had to meet someone in authority...."
"I?m the only one in the world who has these terrible symptoms...."
BREAKING THE CYCLE:
?Every time you judge someone else you perpetuate the cycle of judgement.
Consider the example above. If you judge someone?s clothing, you?re going to expect others to be judging your clothing as well.?
Break the cycle by simply treating people how you want ot be treated, if you don?t want to be judged, don't judge someone else.
Discussion Questions?
1.) Is there a difference between Moral Judgement and Character Judgement, if so, in your own words what is it?
2.) What are you tired of being judged for?
3.) Can you replace judgement with curiosity, if so how?
This is so awesome!!!! I have so much social anxiety it almost feels like a terminal illness... like I won't survive it. But I will. I really like these things to think about... I am going to print them off and take them to my therapy appt!!!!!!
I am so happy!
I'll come back later with responses to the discussion questions..... boy they make me have to think!
1. There is a huge difference between moral and character judgment, in my opinion, and I'll try to illustrate what I mean quite simply.
- Character Judgment: that person is awkward, lazy, unreliable, ditzy, stupid, flakey, an idiot, freak, weirdo, etc.
- Moral Judgment: that person looks like a criminal, I don't trust that person, that person makes me feel unsafe, that person looks like a [sexual or gender orientation in a judgmental tone of voice], I wouldn't sit next to that person, I don't want to be helped by that person, can I have someone else serving me besides that person?, etc.
2. I'm interpreting "tired" as having two different possible meanings here.
- "I'm tired of trying to be what they want, haters gonna hate, screw them." I've decided I don't care if people think I look "like a lesbian" or "too much like a (girl/guy)" or like a nerd or geek or freak. I'm still hurt if someone calls me a slur related to anything like that, but I am what I am, and I've decided I'm tired of trying to pretend to be what I'm not.
- "I'm tired of them saying those things, stop it, please." I have a lot of anxiety about being seen as lazy, or untrustworthy, or unreliable, or irresponsible. I'm really worried I'll be judged as a bad employee, or a bad friend, or a bad fiance, or a bad member of my family. I don'twant to be seen as dumb, ditzy, or stupid.
Those things, when I judge myself, are a combination of not liking some of my personal traits (I'm frequently judged as being awkward - and I am very awkward socially) and traits which I don't want to have and I've worked hard to "prove" I'm not (being lazy or stupid).
3. You can't "replace" curiosity with judgment.
What you can do, in my opinion, is to decide Why you're making that particular judgment, then think Is this fair to be making this (do you have all of the data, are your values the same as theirs, etc), and then decide What can I do with this information?
If a judgment you have about somebody makes you feel unsafe, you can analyze how you feel and figure out if that feeling is warranted in that situation. If it isn't - you can relax and discard that information. If it is - you can work to get yourself out of that situation.
If a judgment about yourself is that "I am being awkward" - well, if that's the truth, then you can work on skills so you can be less awkward.
Judgments are just observations connected with an adjective we pull from our brains. Observations are subjective. They are impaired by our inability to know everything and the ineffectiveness our brains process and interpret information.
Validate what you're thinking. Ask if it's warranted, be aware and wise about your limitations and the reality of the world around you. Then, make your own choice based on what's best for your current goal.
If your current goal is to be an jerkface, go ahead, tell that person they look dumb and they shouldn't be seen in public.
If your current goal is to be shopping at a store, then shop. Seriously.
And for us socially awkward people - if we don't have any reason to think that people believe we're stupid and uninteresting (we're not mindreaders) - then we should work towards our goal. Smile, relax, and have fun with your friends.
Amazing Response!