How I broke through Social Anxiety

As a child I had a stammer/stutter, stammering is a Communication Disability. This began as soon as I could speak and continued until I was around the age of twelve. Stammering is sometimes viewed by others as something to be mimicked or laughed at, a bit of joke. However, for the person who stammers simple tasks such as answering the phone, going to the shops, getting a job, making friends etc. can be extremely difficult. The constant ridicule, mockery, and humiliation, and endless battle to speak, has left many stammerers with depression, social anxiety and for some resulted in suicide.

Stammering makes social interaction difficult. When I was at school I would try and speak, but I physically could not get the words out. So I would try and force these words out, leading to facial contortion and stuttering sounds. This was all done in front of the other children! I was not bullied, but at times teased or mimicked. Luckily I received a lot of help as a Speech Therapist came into my school and I received speech therapy outside of school.

Around the age of ten, for some reason my stammering got worse. As usual I was finding it difficult to get words out, but somehow this was different. One day I opened up my mouth and nothing was coming out. So I was taken out of school for six weeks and given intensive Speech Therapy. You are probably thinking what does this have to do with Social Anxiety? (Im getting there).

So fast forward to my teenage years, the stammer had gone, but I realized that there was still an anxiety concerning speaking. I can only compare it to being stung by a Bee, the Bee may have flown away, but the sting is still there.

The sting was definitely still there, I had an issue with initiating conversations with new people. I would become very anxious and panicky, get palpitations, my breathing would become heavy. The main fear being that I would stammer or say something stupid. I remember one day stepping out and going into a fast food restaurant it was either McDonalds or Kentucky. Normally when I was in these establishments my sister or my friends would order the food. Having to order my first McDonalds Hamburger with Large Fries and a Chocolate Milkshake in front of customers and staff felt quite traumatic.

For the sake of time, I have skimmed over my experiences with social anxiety to concentrate on how I broke through it.

1) First I had to establish the root cause of my Social Anxiety, which was the fear of stammering, or saying something stupid. So to combat this anxiety, (which was at its strongest when meeting new people), I would rehearse the questions that I would ask them. The rehearsing of questions prepared me for social situations. It calmed me down, as the anxiety was always about what I would say. So for example the three questions could be:

a. Are you local, are you from this area?

b. So what do you do? Are you working? Are you studying?

c. If they are working or studying you can ask them how their work/studies are going. Or if they are enjoying it

If you are speaking to work colleagues:

d. So how long have you been working here?

e. Have you always worked in this profession/area?

f. What do you do when you are not working, do you have any interesting hobbies?

I know this does not sound revolutionary! But for me it worked to break the fear of initiating new conversations. I would rehearse those three questions, until they were etched in my memory. Even if I wanted to speak to a teacher about something, I would rehearse first what I would say until I got it right. This seemed to break some of the anxiety, and fear.

2) I also sometimes have a tendency to speak really fast, which means that my mouth sometimes does not reflect what my mind would like to express. There were situations where I spoke so fast that I could not express what I was saying. The result was that afterwards, I would feel really stupid, and wish that I had not said anything at all. So I now speak very slowly and calmly giving my mind time to think, and summarise what I would like to say.

3) When I was receiving Speech Therapy I had to practice breathing exercises, which would help me to calm down. This worked very well with speaking slowly, because when speaking I was panicked. So deep breathing exercises, and speaking slowly, helped me hold a conversation calmly, and helped to reduce my anxiety.

4) Some people are chatterboxes, as soon as you ask them a question they will not stop talking. Whereas others will find it just as difficult to hold conversations as you do. The key is to not blame yourself if the conversation ends early, remembering that it takes two people to hold a conversation.

5) Confront the fear. Whenever I stepped out and confronted the fear of speaking in public, or initiating new conversations, I noticed that the things that I had feared did not materialize. I remember watching a TV programme, where a man was talking about his fear of dogs. As a child he had been bitten by a dog and this attack had traumatised him. His neighbour had a dog in the back garden that barked all day long. Every time he heard this dog bark he would jump, and break out into hot sweats. This man had longed to sit in his garden as it was summer time. He had also hoped to do some gardening, but could not because of the ferocious dog that lived next door. Six months had passed and one day thinking that the dog was in his neighbours house he ventured outside, but all of a sudden he heard the dog growl and he froze. He said at that moment he felt dizzy faint, as if he was about to have a heart attack. He turned to look at this vicious animal that was barking at him, expecting to see a large dangerous dog. Only to find a little Chiwawa (tiny dog as small as a cat) jumping up and down barking at him. The moral of this story is that some of the anxieties that control us, are not fearful Pitballs, but little Chiwawas

6) In my experience, the foundation that Social Anxiety is built upon is The Fear of Man. What will this person think? How will that person react if I do this? The Fear of Man is a prison, that stops individuals doing what they really want to do, and being free. So I worked on breaking the fear, making a decision to stop worrying about what the opinion of others might be if I suddenly tripped over my words etc.

Social Anxiety is quite a complex disorder, and we all have our own unique stories. I am sharing my story and some self- help tips, to provide encouragement to those of you who are struggling. I hope it helps at least one of you!