Confrontation - real & imagined
Any type of confrontation breaks me down almost immediately - not even joking, I used to lock myself in the bathroom with the water running full blast when people I lived with fought (and not as a kid, but in my mid-late 20's even)
Its the "imagined" confrontation that really affects me though - and the ridiculous lengths I'll go to avoid it.
Example 1: I wasnt paying attention and got on the wrong bus to go to work. The simple solution that most people would have done is got off the bus, called, apologized & explained they might be running a bit late. My solution? Stay on the bus until it circled around downtown, look around for a walk-in clinic, make up some bull**** excuse of being sick and pay $30 for a doctors note, then not even call in to say I was sick but just brought in the note the next day.
example 2: Received a text from someone about an issue I wasnt comfortable talking about. Most people would have either ignored the single text, or straight up said they werent comfortable talking about it. My solution? Delete the texting app I used & facebook messenger for a week, avoiding ALL messages and contact for that period, and after redownloading said that there had been something wrong with my phone. If I could have afforded it, I probably would have gotten a new phone.
Example 3: I had a creditor that was calling a few years ago. Instead of dealing with it, I cancelled my plan and started using those free texting apps that you can use with wifi. I still havent signed up for a new plan yet, and have been without an actual working phone for over 3 years :-/
As I'm reading your post I began to smile because I've done stuff so similar to the fact that I ended up getting fired lol just when I thought tht I was alone when really everyone just has their up and down days
At least Im not the only one :P Its so frustrating that its actually funny to look back on the extreme lengths and effort I've taken to avoid dealing with so many things, when in hindsight it would have taken 5 minutes to deal with the situation and move on :-/
Hey ladies,
Another one here. I'm pretty much the same. I'm just wondering, because I often think I'm this way because of a very strict upbringing. What was yours like?
@braveSugar7964 Yes! Mine weren't that strict at home but the moment we were in public they'd remind me how anything bad I do makes them look bad and how in their culture what matters most to parents is what people think of their kids. They don't say that stuff anymore though because it's scared me to the point I just don't want to go to any events with them. I'm ok going random places with them like shopping or the movies but not anywhere there'll be people they know. They care way too much about their reputation. I used to be like "why don't you just let me stay home where I'll embarrass you less." Then my mom would bring up how I need to overcome SA. But now I have my own social life and I don't think twice about cancelling my plans to meet up with them if they choose to spend that time at events. I want to keep in touch with my family but not all their friends. Their circle is so different from mine. I know I'm being judgy but hey I have limited time and I need to spend it making myself happy. Anyway they haven't said anything about me embarrassing them in years now because they just want me to go to their events. Now they actually tell me to be myself. It helps to separate how they treated me as a kid from how they treat me now. Their advice to 5 yr old me isn't their advice to grown up me. It always felt like they were yelling at me but I know that doesn't apply anymore. They don't need to remind me to "be on my best behavior" and no one else will either. Holding onto a long list of everything negative someone ever said to you isn't healthy. I try to let thinks go after a certain point because they're basically irrelevant.
I tend to see the worst case scenario as how it actually is. Like I assume the tiniest hint of disappointment from someone means they hate me and think I'm stupid and I should just move on and find someone else to impress. This is really tricky starting my career because I love learning but the whole worrying about my reputation gets in the way. I'm in college and what's sad is despite my intense anxiety I probably actually care about my reputation less than most of my peers. It's like wherever I go people are telling me I should stress out more. Oh well. It's an exercise in thinking for myself that'll serve me well in the future. And then there's my parents who I assume practically hate me for being alive because all I can think about is a few things they said taken outta context. I read something about people with SA reading neutral emotions as negative ones. I do this a lot. In hindsight I know it was ridiculous to assume most people are judging me. Ugh it's so hard to tell the difference. I try to tell myself to not care and to just do my best at whatever I do. I hope to end up in an environment where making it matters more than faking it. At least now I know what I want haha.
