coming back to 7cups

I've been on 7cups since the last year maybe, i got busy somewhere in the middle, then i'm back. I wouldn't be back for no reason. Idk where i'm going with this but i just really have no one to talk to right now, so i'm sorry. I was here because of terrible panic attacks and anxiety. I could go off in the mall, or in school. (I'm a postgrad student btw). My boyfriend forced me to see a pyschiatrist, she gave me meds to calm me down and exercises and all those but i got lost to followup. I'm busy plus i really hate going there explaining myself. It got okay for a while, then came back on a lesser degree but on a different level, yknow what i mean. I was just emitting negative energy all the time that even my relationship with my boyfriend gets affected. Nothing quite made sense to me. I went to another psychiatrist because i just know i have to and what goes in my mind isn't really healthy. I know i won't be able to pull off suicide, i had back up plans if ever, like a self-destruct button, and if i were to be hit by a ten-wheeler truck, i'd really thank the driver. So, the doctor gave me a different medication. I took it, felt really awful afterwards. I was more suicidal than before. I always keep looking at the top of the buildings and what relief would i feel if i just jump off then and there. I knew something is really really wrong this time and i started googling the medications given to me. Turns out it'd make me feel more suicidal first before it'd make me feel okay. I stopped taking it. Was about to go back to the doctor but never made it due to my schedule. Then i had to have a minor surgery, a lymph node dissection. I thought i'd have lymphoma or something. It was terrible, going back almost everyday to the hospital seeing different doctors etc. I came to a point of just accepting whatever the diagnosis will be, im just gonna die anyway, what better excuse to sulk and hide. Then it was benign. After that i felt a lot better. Things were going okay. Until recently, last month, someone from my class...jumped off our building. Who'd have thought that this funny kid was gonna do that. We don't know each other personally, and we've had the same incident the past 6 months but from our seniors. It was different if you know the person. I tried to keep my light mood in all of those, all i did was deny that it really happened. I started to feel it crawl back to me, slowly...i don't know if it had reached me fully because lately, i've been feeling odd, it's odd and very familiar. I've had few impending panic attacks, i knew it too well that i learned what i'd do. Last night was the latest. I know i was gonna go off, my hands were literally shaking and everything is just spinning but i mustnt because i'm in someone else's house and it'd be embarrassing and etc. I don't like this coming back, but i don't want medications too, i have a difficult time with psychiatrists because one, they're my professors and two, i find it difficult telling them what my real concern is. also, therapy is expensive so...idk. that's why i end up always in websites like this