Suffering Eternally

I just can't do it. I want to get some medication to help with my anxiety amd depression. I'm so tired of always feeling anxious. Always feeling tense. The daily anxiety attacks. And I can't do anything about it. I've been unemployed since before Covid because working and having to be around People is just too much for me. And my depression is so bad I literally don't find anything fun. I can't make a phone call to a friend, let alone a doctor. If it weren't for my BF I wouldn't be on my sleep medication, my testosterone or anything else. Because he HAS to call and pretend to be me. I have a panic attack the whole drive to those appointments and the whole time I'm in there. But I can manage. I just refuse to bring up my chronic pain because I don't trust them to take me seriously. And I do NOT like therapists. I have an EXTREME hatred for them. Thinking about them not only makes me feel filled with rage, but also give me a full blown, face and body numb, panic attack. And that is just THINKING about talking to one. Just typing this out is already making me dizzy and nauseous. But the 2 experiences I've had with therapists in the past have been enough for me to not want to ever go again. It doesn't help that I'm extremely against getting help from others. I do not talk to even my family about my issues. They are mine and mine alone. Even when my legs scream in pain I refuse to use an aide. Because I HAVE to be okay. And I'm honestly so tired of feeling this way.